Saturday, August 23, 2014


The next sets of questions relate to self-agency, influencing your own life and taking responsibility. It was here in reading the book I learned the hard lesson of diagnosing oneself from the internet. Originally I read a small excerpt from the book that was a case study that closely reflected my own childhood. Bam! that's what I have, the white knight syndrome.

I then had a relatively brief period of about 6 months where I overcorrected, culminating in my first ever panic attack where I felt honor bound to disengage from anybody that had any kind of problem so as to not let me rescuing tendencies take over me. Like an addict abstaining.

I reached out to several friends, while simultaneously worsening my own crisis as I realised these friends too had their own problems. I wanted to ask the senior most and most seemingly stable of my friends if there was some island somewhere populated by happy secure people that I could move to so my White Knighthood would not be a problem for me.

I never had to ask the question because at that point, I actually read the book. Talking to my friends helped a lot to. I have a problem when I lose my sense of self and shift focus to the extrinsic. When I have my sense of self, and am focused intrinsically - which is actually most of the time, I'm fine. I have some triggers and some issues, but in the end I am not a White Knight, not a dysfunctional sub-type at least.

So much of the remaining questions, about self-agency, personal goals and particularly taking responsibility are not the areas I need to address. When I do these things I do them well, my issues are with ignoring my own esteem needs, and projecting my problems onto others to vicariously rescue myself and recieve some kudos or some shit.

When it comes to the lives of others, it is the same as when I look at other people's art. I am most critical of what is being done when I am doing little myself. When engaged and focused on my own project, I wouldn't say that's when I don't care, it's when I don't over-care. I become happy that others are making progress, and doing their own thing, instead of being disgruntled that they aren't doing what I want them to do.

Anyway, I imagine these question answer sessions have been not great reading. I stuck them here to force myself not to lie to myself, and because writing a blog post is what I do often to procrastinate, so I figured I should actually do the homework and force myself to do it here.

No comments: