Monday, August 18, 2014

"How have unhealthy beliefs about yourself changed or been confirmed as a result of your intimate relationships?"

I find this question difficult to answer, and it also makes me feel uncomfortable. This in turn makes me feel like there's an answer standing at the forefront of my consciousness that I just can't bring myself to look at. But I can't see it if it's there.

One thing that stands out is the absence of fighting in my relationships. I have enough ego that when rejected or dumped I try to argue my way back into the relationship (regardless of how I felt in the relationship). But my own restraint, or aversion to arguing, and my preference to simply withdraw I find hard to connect to any of my unhealthy beliefs.

Unless I withhold because I worry about doing harm, because I regard myself as dangerous. Which when I reflect I almost certainly do. I have an assymetrical relationship to risk. To give and take, and my relationships reflect that.

I resent if people won't accept my generosity, but then I have a very compartmentalised attitude towards altruism when I am the recipient. Outside the domain of my art career, I'm not interested in support. I exert a confirmation bias of unworthiness too. I shy away from people eager to help me, and am drawn to people who challenge me.

I view myself as capable of taking hits, and to be honest, sufficiently unimportant to take the hits. I have idealized my past partners to the point where that if they are to take a hit, I should take it for them. I take decisions out of their hands, and claim altruism to myself.

Have they changed? have they been confirmed? I don't know. There is a pattern of depression and anxiety in my past relationships that scarily I must in some way select for, but they've all been sufficiently different. I have had healthy relationships, for the most part that, didn't fall apart for no reason, but fell apart due to immaturity, learning curves etc.

I dunno, this question is hard. I just can't see through it, to what it's really asking.

Have any relationships confirmed that I'm dangerous? No. As far as I can tell, all my partners have walked away from the relationships with a sense of growth. Observed growth. They have gotten stronger and are stronger people. If I'm dangerous or even just negligent, the prime recipient would appear to be myself.

Have any intimate relationships confirmed unworthiness/powerlessness? Maybe, I dated three ambitious women in a row. Two of which ended coinciding with a need to move for career. Career was chosen over me. But that also shows that the relationships were vulnerable to stress. Maybe I've been selecting for it. I have said to people in the past when I went through my string of monogomies that 'I'm attracted to ambitious women, and ambitious women tend to leave.'

I can confidently say whatever beliefs I hold about myself haven't been changed by my relationships. I think there's something I need to feel there, a pattern of consolation - which is the feeling I'm destined to be alone that accompanies any rejection by an intimate partner. I don't know if that is a fleeting grief response. Most of the time I am optimistic, I always envision a future with a partner.

next question.

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