Friday, December 21, 2007

Things not to do in modern film making

I mentioned I watched Hannibal Rising, this film is not to be seen by anyone, ever.
Here's why:

It contains incredibly shitty dialogue - "The boy hannibal died in the snow in 1944, there is no word to describe him now... except 'monster'" oooh ominous.

Everybody speaks pussy english - whether you are french, german, japanese or lithuanian, everybody speaks english to eachother in the exact same language. Seriously, fans of the Hannibal series can probably also read subtitles, why not actually just speak, french, russian, japanese. This tactic was first employed unsuccessfully in 'Gladiator' except the onerous task of getting the actors to speak latin makes it kind of understandable. Yet Mel Gibson made the investment for 'The Passion' after backing down and adding subtitles in a Vatican II-esque decision. Still if you are going to spend the big bucks anyway, get some language classes.

Add samurais for no reason - would you believe Hannibal Lecter's aunt-in-law was an incredibly hot Japanese woman who married a french man, during world war II, had her entire family killed in Hiroshima by the bomb and happened to possess an extensive collection of noh masks, katana blades, and her ancestors battle armour? me neither. But this seems like a really cool way to excessively introduce martial arts training into Hannibal's repertoir as he goes around not just being a cannibal but a ninja like sabatouer as well.

For dramatic effect have the main character yell out 'Nooooooooooo!' whilst a camera takes a bird eye shot - I don't know which film this classic shot comes from, but man is it tired. I thought after futurama had fry yell it in just about every episode (see below) nobody would try it these days and still have the audacity to claim it as a legitimate film.

Butcher multiple cultures - From Hannibals whistling of a 'Deutshcland' song to terrify his victims, to the 'ruthless' portrayel of nazi's and there even more ruthless camp followers, to casting a Chinese actor to play a Japanese woman who sits around all day doing 'flower arranging' and 'worshiping her ancestors' and practicing kendo this film is just terribly busy. It also completely lacks any characters you feel any sympathy or even realism with.

So in conclusion, this film is so truly bad it isn't even funny.
Conversely for all the above reasons, Darkplace is one of the funniest shows ever written.

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