Friday, December 21, 2007


I have a headache, and watched hannibal rising, which I sorely wish I could unwatch, alas I cannot. Not because it is traumatically grotesque, but because it is traumatically a piece of shit.
Anyway I thought I would medicate myself with Catch-22 and share with you my favorite piece of romantic writing ever. What happened to all the witticisms in the world. I sorely wish I had been alive at a time when people where witty

Anyway Yossarian walks into a bar and Luciana says:

"All right, I'll dance with you," she said before Yossarian could even speak. "But I won't let you sleep with me."
"Who asked you?" Yossarian asked her.
"You don't want to sleep with me?" she exclaimed with surprise.
"I don't want to dance with you."
[They dance]
"All right," she said, " I will let you buy me dinner. But I won't let you sleep with me."
"Who asked you?" Yossarian asked with surprise.
"You don't want to sleep with me?"
"I don't want to buy you dinner."
[They go eat]
"Okay, Joe," she purred, her glowing dark eyes drowsy and grateful. "Now I will let you sleep with me."
"My name is Yossarian,"
"Okay, Yossarian." she answered with a soft repentant laugh. "Now I will let you sleep with me."
"Who asked you?" said Yossarian.
Laciana was stunned. "You don't want to sleep with me?"
[They have a humorous altercation and Yossarian leaves believing she won't turn up to a morning apointment for said sleeping, he tries to pick up a whore, gives up and goes home, finds his squadron also furious at Aarfy for not sleeping with a girl he had picked up. Yossarian is woken in the morning by Luciana.]
"Pig!" she spat out at himviciously, her nostrils flaring in a look of savage disdain. "Vivencom' animale!"
[Luciana cleans Yossarians room, Yossarian cleans himself, afterwards they make love, and have a post coital converstion about a scar she has on her back]
"Dove?" he asked and held his breath in suspense.
His heart cracked, and he fell in love. He wondered if she would marry him.
"Tu sei pazzo" she told him with a pleasant laugh.
"Why am I crazy?" he asked.
"Perche non posso sposare."
"Why can't you get married?"
"Because I am not a virgin," she answered.
"What has that got to do with it?"
"Who will marry me? No one wants a girl who is not a virgin."
"I will. I'll marry you."
"Ma non posso sporsrti."
"Why can't you marry me?"
"Perche sei pazzo."
"Why am I crazy?"
"Perche vuoi sposarmi."
Yossarian wrinkled his forehed with quizzical amusement.
"You won't marry me because I'm crazy, and you say I'm crazy because I want to marry you? Is that right?"
"Tu sei pazz!" he told her loudly.
"Perche?" she shouted back at him indignantly, her unavoidable round brests rising and falling in a saucy huff beneath the pink chemise as she sat up in bed indignantly.
"Why am I crazy?"
"Because you won't marry me."
"Stupido!" she shouted back at him, and smacked him loudly and flamboyantly on the chest with the back of her hand.
"Non posso sporsarti! Non capisci? Non posso sposarti."
"Oh sure, I understand. And why can't you marry me?"
"Perche sei pazzo!"
"And why am I crazy?"
"Perche vuoi sposarmi."
"Because I want to marry you. Carina, ti amo," he explained, and he drew her gently back down to the pillow. "Ti amo molto."
"Tu sei pazzo," she murmered in reply, flattered.
"Because you say you love me. How can you love a girl who is not a virgin?"
"Because I can't marry you."
She bolted right up again in a threatening rage. "Why can't you marry me?" she demanded, ready to clout him again if he gave an uncomplimentary reply. "Just because I am not a virgin?"
"No, no, darling. Because you're crazy."
She stared at him in blnk resentment for a moment and then tossed her head back and roared appreciatively with hearty laughter.

And so it ends, a beautiful crafting of circular logic into romance. Capturing delightfully double standards, intimacy and the thrill of the hunt. Possibly the only other piece of writing about a hook up I enjoy more is from Black Sheep's "Similak Child"

I said, 'Hon, whacha drinkin'?'
She said milk and armireto.
I took a seat beside her.
I would not be denied her.
Ordered L I I T
Fill 'er up, she's got a rider.
She showed her dental work,
And said I looked familiar.
I touched her on the hand,
I had to feel her.
I said, 'Hey'
She said, 'Hi'
I said, 'Us'
She said, 'Try'
And if you're thinkin'
Strictly boots
I'll say 'Baby, bye bye'
She said, 'I know you got
At least a dozen that you see.
You think you own the world,
At least New York because you G.
You claim to be the man.
You want me for a lover,
So you can do my girlfriends,
And my sister, and my mother.'
I said, 'You're very blunt,
Put quickness to the cue.
So what's up with your mother,
Does she look as good as you?
I'm playin'
But let me not delay
What I'm sayin'.
Initially attraction found your way
Before the way in.
I'm single so I've got
At least a dozen on my door step.
Doesn't boost my ego,
It doesn't mean we've slept.
I'm in the public eye,
So I try to be an eye full.
Do not own the world,
But yes I have some pull.
My coerce rolls a brown.
She's curious of me
Please give me more ice tea,
And her vitamin D.'
She said, 'Me, yes.
Why? Yes.
Sweetheart you've got ten cushions
Besides I like your dress.
I'm playin'
But let me not be weak
And let me speak,
Your mind is brighter
Than your bootie.
It's the courtin' that I seek.'

you never find out if Dres does get his Similak child, the romantic in me likes to think he did.
Peace out.

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