Saturday, July 05, 2008

A Time To Dream

I sense I have reached the sympathy limit for where friends and family will tolerate my unemployment as I fly in the face of convention as it steadily metamorphoses into outright resentment.
So I'll actually finish off my resume and start beating the pavement looking for a suitable job as of next week. By suitable though I mean one that leaves me with plenty of time for my projects.
But what has been the biggest obstacle by far, is finding like minds. Maybe I overestimated the people who idle their week away watching Gladiators on a sunday and Big Brother every other day, only to go to bed, get up and go to work. Much what I did when I worked, except I didn't watch big brother.
I guess I had started though. I started doing more shit in my off hours, the tutoring refugee, the playing basketball on weekends. Both much needed punctuation for the rambling sentence of my life. And for me the eye opener was when these volunteer organizations gave me far more clout, valued my opinions more, invited me into strategic discussion meetings and so fourth. It was then I got hit by the revelation that this was were you clocked up all your relevant work experience - ironically not at work.
Because the catch was that my big prestigious company, paid someone three times as much and twice my age to go to all these meetings for them. It wasn't that I didn't offer my opinion, or didn't get listened to, my work was pretty respectful like that, I just didn't get invited. My competition for a place at the table was over before it begun.
And there maybe I have fucked up the 'what's in it for me' aspect of getting help, getting collaboration. People have their own lives, their own dreams of which I have only made base assumptions about. There's all kinds of clattering ideas going on, that I would have thought helping me had this obvious benefit - you get experience out of it. But now I begin to realize that this simply isn't the case, people go to work to get experience. Many have not had the experienc I had, where they were frustrated for opportunities to prove themselves within the company. Never got cut that extra time to work on their own projects but instead are patiently waiting by the shadow of their superior for a chance to advance.
And then you can live a pretty good life around this strategy, I know, I did it for three years. Because you have money you can go eat out, get hammered, buy dvd's and entertainment to kill the interviening hours between work and sleep.
By far the best thing to devote your free time to is having a meaningful relationship. But all in all, I found it a pretty hand to mouth experience. Work took far more of my time than it needed to, and I found where my efforts and knowledge paid the most dividends in my volunteer work I didn't have enough time to capitilise on it.
So I made time for myself, a lot of time and I tell you. It still doesn't seem to be enough. And I don't earn a dime right now, yet am busy as can be. Staying up till 1am on imaginary deadlines I set myself for work thus far unseen and so self indulgent.
I have no idea what I'm doing, but I do want to do it.
And I want people's help, yet nobody has time for me. And fair enough, I'm not able to pay anything to any of these people, so I just sit and wait until they find enough dreary, rainy afternoons to break away from the life cycle of subsistence wages and the necessity of spending hours relieving oneself from the pressures of work.
I can't imagine anybody, maybe I can imagine myself, but most people do not go home excited about doing some unpaid work.
I'm not judging you, fuck, everybody should work less than they are now, that is the spirit of progress, but I am just acknowledging for my benefit this cold hard fact so I don't delude myself and get bitter and angry at the most generous people I know.
Time is worth more than money, and I am asking for what little people have to themselves these days.
Of course this makes me hate the whole sick system all the more. How are we meant to progress when these organizations own vast swathes of your time and keep you shelved and bored. Unless your an idiot and find your job really stressful as a result, in that case I assure you start looking for a job more suited to you, you will enjoy it more (or less as relatively speaking we are all morons).

No comments: