Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Procrastabater's Lament

Okay I have been lax, and can rationalise it all I want. The gale winds beating the shit out of the garage roof. The inexplicable headache. Wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.

Point of the matter is, I've dropped the ball over the past week and spent most of my time reading 'American Psycho', touching up scripts and in places sexually abusing scripts and watching old episodes of House M.D. when I can grab the chance.

In procrastination terms the chance came far too often.

But that doesn't mean I stopped thinking.

The real concern of procrastination is that I stopped acting.

Perhaps a better word is 'doing'.

So now let me do something and salavage what idle thoughts I have had.

First question needs to be refrased, can't restrict it to 'What's happening to me?' undoubtedly something is happening to me as a result of sleeping in a garage, if nothing else a heightened risk of contracting TB.

But simply if it were as simple as 'what's happening to me?' then I could answer that right now, 'I started living in a garage' I could take steps to remedy that situation. I could dust off my resume, apply to several jobs per day, take interviews. Come to some agreement with a prospect and form a contract of employment. After a paycheck or two I could start shopping around for a room to rent, move in and go back to what I was before I started living in a Garage.

SO clearly, while not being confident enough to rule that out entirely, I need to reframe the question as 'What happened to me?' i.e. something happened to me, that caused me to resign from a good job. Travel for 8-9ish months, come home land a consulting gig short term, on a massive paycut and spend all my time working on zines and scripts.

I can't rule out, that something was a catalyst for my present circumstances long before I reached them.

I get suspicious because I feel no compulsion to change my current circumstances.

I am reminded of Abe Lincoln:

"I may be a slow walker, but I don't walk back."

Trouble is, I have no idea where I'm walking to. Just a deep seated almost sub-conscious feeling that I don't want to live that life that I had.

Tomorrow I will talk career wise. And something I have actually got counselling in.

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