Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Anger, Anxiety

The past couple of weeks have been interesting, in that I have been feeling a range of emotions I don't normally experience. These could be described generally as 'negative'.

I mean sure, we all, everybody feels negative emotions from time to time, but its all a matter of degree and I largely don't spend much time feeling negative.

But in the next couple of days, I have to do something that I am anxious about, and it's been maybe a year and a half or two since I've had to do anything like that. I feel quesy, and strangely for me, pessimistic. I will have to draw on my Musashi inspired resolve and get my higher brain functions to force my lower brain functions through the necessary actions. I rarely have to do this. As sick as I feel now, and will until it is done and increasingly as the doing draws nearer, at some intellectual level, I enjoy this.

I also have plans. BIG plans, for my next exhibition. Just really need to secure the space. I am so very excited about it, and I'm resurrecting superfluous h, and while there is no replacing John I have a couple of artists lined up to jam with that combined should provide something interesting. And hopefully I can tie superfluous h into my next exhibition and perform at it. It's so exciting.

And in the meantime, I just have to keep working, grinding, away at this musical production I committed to way back in December last year. And it's probably more work than my first exhibition and second exhibition combined. And the more time I spend on it, the more it just feels like work, and I can't get it clicking and I've come to hate, HATE the source material.

My life currently and perpetually feels like I am stuck on a 8 hour bus ride as a supervising teacher to a bunch of really dumb kids and the chair is digging into my back. I am constantly simmering with anger, the rest of my life has simply fallen apart, I am barely even looking after myself and...

I kind of enjoy being angry. I haven't had any boil overs yet. I always assumed that if I ever snapped I would stay calm and just kill a bunch of people. You know, go crazy not angry. But there's been no boil over. Just this constant buzz where I'm not going to let anybody get away with any shit on me, I'm going to vent. I kind of enjoy this venting. I enjoy trying to channel it into positive directions.

My favorite collaborator for example sent me a self doubting email in regards to our latest collaboration, so I shot back an intensely worded lecture on what a genius he is. Fuck it, I have no patience for insecurity in my current state.

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