Do.

I nabbed a lift from my sis in the rain last night, we are very similar. I'm taller and generally more awesome than she is, but otherwise Identical.

One thing we agree on is that whilst knowing a problem is good, it isn't everything.

Faith No More's 'Last Cup of Sorrow' contains the line 'It won't begin until you make an end. Until you know the how the why and the when.' or something. And it's true, conducting autopsies is productive. Epiphanies are valuable.

But there's a line. There's a line in which case self psycho analysis is productive and on the otherside it is just self indulgent bullshit.

That is, you meet peeps that have spent years in therepy going over the same old shite, getting presumably deeper understandings of their probs. And some problems are relentless and unending, like addiction. And better to be addicted to therepy than alcohol etc.

The line though is a fuzzy and fast moving piece of razor wire you have to jump over. You can pull apart your brain for ever but eventually that line needs to be crossed into the light.

The line is 'what are you going to do?'

For example. I am an introvert. I drag my feet to parties, I shy away from new people and I feel exhausted after meeting them.

On the bad side of the line, this sort of knowledge is employed as an excuse to not go to parties, to continue to shy away from new people and insist that people simply 'understand your way.'

On the good side of the line you say 'I gotta bring the fucking effort' and you go to those parties, you ask questions of new peeps and you bring the enthusiasm to engage.

This doing shit revolutionised my life about 5 years ago.

My mentor Rod let me in the secret when I was complaining that not enough people thought about 'why?' in their lives, and that 'why?' was an exciting question. He corrected me and said 'why isn't nearly so exciting as 'how?' you wanna see a group engaged you ask them 'how?'''''''''''

After the pinata therapy I had an epiphany, I can't go into the details, but let's just say I have a specific irrational fear that I didn't understand and my desire to be rid of it lead to it undermining my confidence in all areas and drawing me ever downwards into a negative frame of mind.

Specifically I was afraid of success, my mind wouldn't accept it and would play devils advocate at pretty much every positive development. Without knowing whether I actually would succeed or not, I simply didn't want to take control of it and my solution was to try and simply be so awesome that success would be handed to me, sort of like Lebron has been handed everything in life.

Some people get lucky and this happens. I am kind of glad it didn't though, I feel understanding my fear has made it solidify into a scab in my mind and now I can dance around it.

What do I do? Stop praying for rescue. Stop letting it get into every aspect of my life and stop letting it set unrealistic and unachievable benchmarks that only serve to demotivate me. That and calm the fuck down.

Infact my epiphany was nothing new, but more the revelation that this old fear was still hanging around and I'd forgotten about it. It's kind of a shame it tripped me up, but these things happen. I'm just glad I know what to do now. I know which corner to fucking put that fear in.

Now all I need to do is dance.