You Never Get Better At Hurting

I'll be honest with you blog, right now I'm hurting. Having an episode, I am down and out except a lot of people love me. This I know.

In a rare move for me I decided to treat my downness with alcohol and socialising instead of my usual counciling and introspection. This does provide momentary relief, but I find myself fearing the alone time which is truly frightening for an introvert. I feel anxious and disconnected, I check my email too often, my facebook too often and I eat and sleep too little.

Yesterday I got around to sleeping, I attempted to try and get a weeks worth of sleep in a night. I napped in the afternoon after work and woke up feeling drunk and disoriented. I stayed up to do some drawings I'd promised people which is good and helps me feel better that I am doing something good for other people.

But really you can get better at forcing yourself through the motions, but nothing, nothing stops hurt from hurting.

And I hurt myself. I lie in a bed of my own making and am amazed at how poorly prepared I am for the fallout. I just feel like a fuckup, a fucked up, fuck up nobtard douchebag.

Then you have to force yourself into the positive self talk, which a lack-there-of is what got myself into this mess, and my gameplan seems to have involved severly handicapping myself in this regard.

But I know enough of the motions, enough of the experience of these funks to force myself to do these things. To be proud of myself. To make myself shave and brush my teeth every day, make myself eat, make myself go to bed, make myself exercise, smile, turn up to work... and all these things work.

I feel better until my body decides to wake me at 5 am to contemplate my hurting. And it goes on, what is ridiculous is that this is the worst I've felt since Claire left me but with the one difference of back then I cried all the time.

Now I can't. Because I'm eating, sleeping, shaving, brushing my teeth, exercising, working, perservering.

I almost think what I need is to be suspended from a tree and immobilised to swing freely in a breeze and just stay there for a week or two so I can just hurt and not try and manage it all.

Just feel.

And I don't mean hanging by the neck but rather Takuan's treatment of Musashi in Vagabond depicted below:



I'm human, I fuck up, I hurt, I feel the full spectrum of emotions despite me having a different spectrum of experiences. My rational mind overreacts perhaps but my emotional state just is, I don't control it, I just feel it.

And right now I feel bad. And it never gets easier.