Notch 1

I have decided to start my own new religious dogma. It only took me 800 posts. Yes this apparantly is my 800th blog post. Which means I must have been doing this for over 3 years now or something. Yet blogging seems so antiquated and twitter too new and scary for me, plus I've never been so narcissistic as to want to have hundreds of people I don't know very well follow my day to day activities. (says the blogger).

You see today, as a carry over from yesterday I feel like a dick. Just one of those destitute days where you feel tired, a failure, alone and aimless. My memory seems to drudge up all the harshest moments of my life when I've been a dick to try and compound my depression, it takes maximum conscious effort to dredge up the positives, to not feel like a victim and to not be a whining little bitch.

It reminds me, wholeheartedly of getting dumped. Which surprisingly, is exciting. Because the last couple of times I've gotten dumped it has been a rude shocking awakening to my life, to realise how comfortable I'd gotten, and in that comfort had been occupied becoming somebody I did not wish to be.

In other words, when I've been dumped is when I've gotten better really quickly. I think this segment of Real captures the revelation.

You become cornered and you realise without knowing it, you've let yourself become somebody you never wanted to be, and you realise the only way out of the predicament is to work your way out.

To just do what it is you always wanted to be doing. I thought I was doing this, but I realise I have no idea what I'm doing. It came on suddenly, I wasn't relying on anything I was working on, just wishful thinking. I wanted a lucky break. I had placed my own destiny outside of my control.

SO here is how my new religious doctrine is going to work. At the bottom you have 'dick' that's as low as you can be. You feel like a dick because you probably are one. Then you have a whole series of notches going up into the sky.

When you achieve something new and different that you are actually proud of, you get to ratchet yourself up a notch.

For my coming on 26 years of sentience, I am putting myself at notch 1. That's the culmination of all my efforts. When I get something new achieved I'll go up to notch 2. The way I figure if I get to notch 100, I should be unstoppable. Since moments of pride you've had can't really be taken away, I haven't really provided going down any notches in my system, but theoretically I guess it's possible.

So 'Fear of a White Planet' is the first thing I've ever done just for me, just because I wanted to and whilst far from being satisfied with the result, I am proud of the actual achievement. So I'm bumping myself up a notch from 'dick' to 'notch 1' now the pressure is on to get to notch 2 as quickly as possible. I have a few opportunities to do that I may even get to notch 3 by the end of the year.

I'll record it all here. By labelling a post whenever I go up a notch. That way when I get to notch 100, if I have any integrity, I'll have something to show for myself.