Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Getting Over Myself

On Christmass Eve's Eve at about 3pm I posted a letter to Misaki my ex to Shizuoka Japan containing a page out of my sketchbook and one of my business cards in an otherwise familiar ritual for me. I've almost always moved on with a letter. I sent one to codename bogan in first year that I stuffed up the address on and was returned to sender, possibly a blessing in disguise but it had done its job. Claire was an email due to my not bothering to find out her address in Indonesia but each time the message differed but was always the same message for me, move on.

I send these letters when I'm ready to let go and step out of my comfort zone and become somebody else.

In somecases I literally have changed from Tom to tohm to Tom and back to tohm such that at the end of a hiatus of communication I literally can recieve an email for somebody else.

I think lesson one there is about breakups, perhaps just for me. I don't tend to change my name every time I break up, one just happened to coincide with a big lifestyle change and self discovery that probably won't occur on such scale again until I release an album called 'the emancipation of h' anyway the lesson 1 about breakups is that when a breakup occurs so too do the timelines break up. If X and Y are a couple and at t = n' Y is over it this has no relationship with X being over it at t = n' when infact it might take X till t = n" to get over it.

But moreover if you are Y and are totally over X and ready to move on with your life, X may not be over X. And by most accounts I am usually X (read ex) long before I admit that from my perspective Y is also X.

Don't try to be clever tohm you fuckhead dork.

Getting rid of confusing numerals what this means to me is that I am a different person for different people. Just like those old 'perspective' pictures no two people are the same people for anyone or anything. We are individuals truly to the power of the number of other individuals we encounter. I mean at IH there were these twins Soken and Sokan that I literally could not tell apart even though they weren't identical twins and I probably was the same individual to both of them, that individual that was always nervous referring to them by name.

Or indeed my dog, I cannot ever feel angry at my dog so when I talk to her or try to growl at her tonally my authoritative voice is constructed purely from concern trying to mask itself as anger. Yelling 'Oi' at my dog has almost nothing in common with yelling 'Oi' at an international Uni student having a conversation on their mobile in the middle of the Swanston st bike lane.

Just so the tohm that dated one ex is a unique tohm in a unique context, totally different from the tohm that dated another ex who was also unique. And for me a large part of getting over the breakup is also letting go of that persona that now is devoid of the unique context for which it was unique for. Becase thankfully I think some of those unique persona's were actually great persona's so they are hard to acknowledge that you are just never going to use them again.

So getting over a breakup has a confused timeline where you both have to get over your ex (the unique context) and yourself (the unique persona).

So that's lesson one out of the way, which as long winded as it was gives you a rough background on why there was almost a year between the end of Misaki and my relationship and actually posting a letter to signify I'm over it.

Lesson 2, it's also interesting to note that under the above model actually getting into a new relationship is inconsequential to the break up process, which is worth noting.
I'm sure this forms the premis of many a romantic comedy, or at least the last 20 minutes of them, where for whatever reason the girl can't be with the guybut is in a seemingly perfect relationship with some other guy. Then they try to remake a unique experience from their old relationship and realise they actually want to be with the other guy.
Of course this works well in romantic comedies because its a comedy where the other dude is always going to be interesting and unpredictable and the guy they try to be with is boring and secure.
But could it be that a lot of the appeal of the old relationship one needs to get over is because they allowed you to be more interesting?
Could it concievably be that even though on paper your new girlfriend seems perfect the fact she doesn't let you talk about your idea for a masochistic porno called 'cuntpunchers' makes her less attractive to you, not because of anything they do but because you can't be that persona you enjoy being?

See I have a theory that a lot of my ex's have enjoyed that they could say whatever the fuck they liked and I'd almost never get angry. Simultaneously regretting that no matter what they said I'd argue with them anyway.

So anyway it takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to dump someone as well.

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