Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Why I left Public School

I was for some reason thinking about this as I fell asleep the other night. I may have lost it, and should in future ignore the social stigma of multiple posts in a day and just post shit when I think of it. Unless of course I'm going to sleep.

But enough of that fucking shit.

Anyway at the moment I'm a drifter, not sure what to do with my life. This is compounded by a lot of people who are working that when I talk to them don't feel as if they are actually doing anything with their lives.
There is one time when i feel like I'm doing something, and that is when I'm working on 'the show' particularly collaborating with Tommy periodically has proved really rewarding.
Aside from that though, I really don't know what I'm doing. It's actually kind of tough, having finished now my first contract and drifting out into my lonesome business trying to rustle up some more work.
I have been here before though, in these exact circumstances. When I went to public school.

In a nutshell I could have gone to Ballarat Grammer but didn't want to. I didn't think Sam enjoyed it, and largely because their uniform was the ultra-gay brown.
So I did what most of my friends were doing and went to Ballarat High.
I discovered early that High school was a pretty brutal place, my friend got beat up and was in the coordinator's office on the first day. This was only unusual because as it turned out one of the most problematic kids happened to be in our form.
Fortunately he took a dislike to people other than me and I was able to say pretty clear of him.
I had teachers I liked, and interesting stuff to do.
But I couldn't shy away from the fact that I was deliberately disadvantaged compared to my older brother who had private tuition in one of those fancy private schools.
The kids around me had ambitions of reaching the age of 16 when they could legally drop out of school and get the same job as their father had - one in manufacturing. Or work full time for a supermarket in order to save for the very shortterm goal of a European holiday.
My other friend from high school also pointed out the 3rd potential, I could go to private school but just a different one from my brother.

I left because I couldn't cut it, not raw competition. I just pussed out of the 'stand alone' system that is public secondary where you have to drag yourself to your goals, not get pushed towards them.
At the time I needed pushing, I needed spoon feeding, I needed the training wheels because I was too fucking lazy and would have just given up.

I like to think that through BCC my eventual school of choice I learned self discipline through running, although in academia self discipline was not a risk BCC was prepared to take.
I've always been lazy, a last minute improvisor and so fourth. In VCE that's handy for exams and in a way I was just plain fortunate that CATS was scrapped. Anything involving disciplined dedication and organisation to get ahead I was bound to fail in. I just was not prepared to work as hard.

So now the question becomes - have I changed?

Fundamentally I want to be in the do-or-die pool, like public school. I don't want training wheels and uneccessary advantages. I want to sink or swim on my own merits.
I can see the benefits of my decision to jump ship to private schooling, but can I depend on them?
No, maybe I haven't changed enough to succeed in the big pond, but I do know that's where I should be. So I will persist in failing at what I'm doing until I learn how to swim.

Otherwise I'll be a sinker all my life, just a sinker wearing floaties - and that's undignified.

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