Fear is a dish best served with Sago pearls and a big arse straw

SHUZAN held up his staff and waved it before his monks.
"If you call this a staff," he said, "you deny its eternal life.If you do not call this a staff, you deny its present fact. Tellme just what do you propose to call it?"

Hello Blog, when was the last time I spent some quality time with you. I mean really sat down and talked it over? Well tonight my other plans fell through and I don't want you to feel like you are on the rebound but, I've been neglecting you of late.
Sure I can pump some words, some thoughts into you and expand and grow you, maybe attract some new readers through random searches. But it's still all about me and seldom about you.
And you, the reader, when was the last time I addressed you directly. Actually acknowledged your presence instead of treating you like some voyuer I secretely new about and allowed to watch me undress.
Because really I should be reaching you, you in some way should be relating to whatever you read here. And if you don't like it you learn as much about yourself as something you do like. You see and feel my perceptions, particularly those of you lucky or unfortunate enough to be committed to words, here in my thoughts, I noticed you, I percieved you, I thought about you.
I'm thinking about you now, infact. You the reader of these words as I write this. And now we both thinking almost the same thing: 'what do you (I) look like to me(him)?
Because rest assured I've never really seen you as you see yourself now. Which makes me think, what do I look like. What do these words sound like through your eyes, through your active memory which will escape into your mind?
But this isn't really a conversation is it, I feel your involvement, I'm just not hearing it. I'm clumsily creating the rest of this post. No don't do that it's wanky, you're a fucking wanker, you come all over yourself. who said that? fucking wanker.
Anyway I've been reading SHATTERDAY a collection of Harlen Elson short stories. The preface described something very profound that I think you'll enjoy, blog post, reader. I think it because I enjoyed it, I guess you could call it a recommendation, a testimonial, a reference but he was talking about conversation itself and what on television passes for it back in the 80's. He was talking a little pretentiously about how a story creates itself, and how whilst reading one he'd just finished to a lecturehall full of students he had the realisation 'I want my mother to die' and it was one of those sickening shameful thoughts, that occur in the space between obligation and suffering.
And he felt like he should feel he was a monster but realised it was undeniably true of him. His mother was waiting to die, not enjoying life and that as a result he wanted her today.
Now this got me thinking, I'm probably more at ease with such thoughts as this because I don't aspire to some universal truth of moral behaviour. In fact I don't really believe in family obligations. I believe in knowing oneself.
but Shatterday is meant to be a dedication to all those dirty little thoughts that make us human. All the selfish, self pitying thoughts we feel ashamed of and try to conceal the existence of from others.
Others not like us, I assume of you my reader, my blog. My blog shamelessly publishes everything I write.
But really conversation should be about finding these fears and bridgeing the gap between two parties. Not a cuddle fest, just honest.
And honestly, I worry when I don't lust after someone other than my partner, I think it would be easier if my aunt was dead, people with a sense of entitlement I get a kick out of seeing them feeling deprived. I'm furiously jealous of other guys, there are people who's opinion means a lot to me, some people remind me of the worst parts of myself and it makes me sick.
I mean you could call it emo, but I don't think I'm really emotional about it. I'm not even ashamed, because I know the very ability for you to like or dislike such things means you've stumbled across such stumbling blocks as well.
And I guess hence the relevance of the Koan I kicked off with. You take something and name it, its the lazy way to understand something, its okay to name something, it just doesn't stop there. nor does it restrict its nature or capacity or potential. It just is. I'm all for giving up the bad fight against the isness of the business. Aren't you? that's why you're here right?