100

My hundreth post such a landmark I started working on it 6 posts ago. what do you do? clowns, confetti a cake? real off the history and quote some statistics like '78,043 words, 32,876 grammatical errors' speach. I don't know the real question is why the fuck am I sill doing this? I started this blog in december. It had stigma, negative connotations. In fact I don't even know where I got the idea to blog. My intention was never to give a day by day, week by week account of my life but to get down my fundamental beliefs, what was important to me and some bitching too. To draw a line in the sand and say this is me. I started with enough ideas for 30 posts. I couldn't see myself making it past march but really I just wanted it down so I could stop being afraid of myself.
Johari's window was my first post, it highlighted this incredible discrepency in who I was as a leader or even member of the community. Here I had all this self awareness, I'd thought and probed and second guessed and refined my own self image so many times I had it down pat. I had done all the practice in order to closet myself away.
I hadn't disclosed who I was to anyone, people like my partner at the time, close friends and family probably had speculated and made assumptions that were pretty close to the truth but there was still room for surprises.
So what have I got out of blogging? I've written blogs I was truly embarrassed about, I've put down ignorant ill informed opinions, contradicted myself, taken stances against values of some of my dearest friends.
Nobody has treated me any worse. Some people treat me with more respect. The surprises are positive and pleasant.
In putting my thoughts down on paper or html I have understood them I've set the goals that have allowed me to recognise opportunities in almost every facet of my life. I never kept a diary but the blog became a fetish it kept me on because even though I realise there's noone out there that has read them all they prompted people who read them to engage me in my favorite conversation topic: me.
Opportunities abound and I have taken them. I've been attacked but my own weakness for personal consistency has held me up, because I have had to decide who I am, how I want to be percieved and who's the audiance I care about.
At different times I've been writing for the benefit of different people and often the never read it then someone else entirely contacts me or picks me up over what I've said and it all goes someplace else.
The other fucking thing is that I take myself seriously. I espouse the same opinions and tell the same stories about mancrushes, ducks and land value taxation at work and people think I'm a crazy eccentric kidder.
You know some day I'm going to actually read my own blog. I found my college magazine a few weeks back that i'd written a bunch of articles for. I read them because I had forgotten what I wrote and I find it hard to admit but I was laughing at myself, if I wasn't a lazier reader than I am a writer I'd fucking reproduce some of it here.
But I enjoy me. I enjoy me a lot. I've said of my basketball mancrush that 'he's so cool if I was a chick I'd be on my knees in the toilet in a second' even after reading female chauvinist pigs, but I'd probably do it for me too. Brenton my dearest friend brenton who isn't actually my dearest friend used to email me pictures and I'd email him crappy shite that we'd drawn in microsoft paint of the filthiest sexual situations we could imagine.
He did one of me building a cloning machine so I could fuck myself up the arse and you know what? why not? and why wouldn't you do yourself too?
The duration of this blog has matched just about universally dramatic improvement in almost every facet of my life from relationships, career, exercise, artistic endeavor, socialisation (although as early as friday I was once again labelled piker).
So is there any point to this monumental post. I'm a recommending you blog like a fad diet to rid yourself of your fat offputting soul? no.
Maybe if you want to like me more though you could post a comment right now and tell me what your favorite one has been and I'll try and be more like that for you. You ingrate voyueristic fucks.