Saturday, July 19, 2014

On Anger

I gotta stop foreshadowing what I'll write about in the future. I often lose interest pretty quickly in what preoccupied my mind the day before.

It is actually pretty rare for me get angry, at least to the point where I lose my calm. Not my cool, but literally my calm. As in so angry that it gives me energy.

What surprises me about myself, is how quickly my anger turns to excitement. I have real blood lust. People can piss me off, but it's relatively rare for that person to piss me off in a manner that makes me feel they've earned my anger. That it can be directed at them.

Obviously, a lot of stuff that angers me (and I presume anybody) is done unwittingly, without malicious intent, just sheer thoughtlessness. In those situations, empathy kicks in rather than anger. If I can empathise and understand why somebody's pushing my buttons I lose my anger.

George Orwell's sentiment on revenge 'The whole idea of revenge and punishment is a childish day-dream. Properly speaking, there is no such thing as revenge. Revenge is an act which you want to commit when you are powerless and because you are powerless: as soon as the sense of impotence is removed, the desire evaporates also.'

Okay maybe not the same, but as soon as I realise a person intended no harm, nor was it an act of hmmm... self preservation(?) which is to say, when a person harms me to protect themselves, largely through thinking of themselves and not me. And I should say I can get angry on behalf of other people too.

But if neither of these criteria are met, my anger typically evaporates. If they do, if my mind either consciously or unconsciously recognises an act of malice or selfishness, that person becomes a legitimate candidate for whatever action I would take, push back I guess.

At that point, my anger transforms into excitement. I get really excited. Like a kid on christmas eve type excited.

It scares me, but it's the emotion I feel. I try to cognitively compensate, but nothing causes that excitement to abate. I really enjoy the ideation of destroying somebody, of coming after them, I enjoy the fantasy.

I can even lose track of the actual costs of what made me angry, I find myself glad for the opportunity to attack.

That's my confession.

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