Friday, July 04, 2014

don't believe in yourself

There comes a point in any project where things not being together can take on the appearance of things falling apart. The truth of my experience is that every success is actually just the surviving successes after a string of failures. And the failures to many are opaque, so to the many what they see is what survives and not what was envisioned.

But I see, and more than seeing, I feel it when shit goes wrong or at least not according to plan. And 'plan' is pretty generous when you are talking about me, who typically sets off in a general direction. Maybe it's a cyclist thing. But I guess I would expect myself to expect shit not to go according to plan when you do as little planning as I do.

Anyway, this has gotten way into preamble. The point was, last week things seemed to be falling apart for me and I told my friend who said 'I think it will be great'.

5 days on, I appreciate her remark. She can maintain an objectivity I simply lack, as regards myself. And it's not the first time I have come to reflect on the remarks of others as predictive statements of my success and career.

The conclusion I draw is that when in doubt, I shouldn't actually believe in myself the doubter. I should believe in my friends - who are in a much better position to believe in me.

I had a similar truism epiphany a while back, and it possibly regards imposter syndrome, one of the other reasons I shouldn't believe in myself -

everything I've ever done, was done by me.

Truism? Yes. Cathartic? Also yes.

See even when I'm pretending, an imposter, to achieve what I need to, the ruse is successful. I succeed. Know what I mean? I am overcome with sudden tiredness and feeling there is sufficient point in this post already leave it to you to decipher what the hell I'm talking about.



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