Friday, June 22, 2012

Core Confidence

Not to be confused with core competence. People often confuse me for somebody who is confident, and have said things like 'you project an air of confidence'. Or 'you're such a confident public speaker' and in some ways its true.

What is the secret to my confidence? It's actually pretty bad.

I don't give a shit about me.

This makes me seemingly confident when it comes to my choice in clothes, being naked in public, speaking in public, running through injury, voicing my opinion to the boss, being broke because I donated to much to a kickstarter project etc.

This is not to say, that I would break down under torture and thus keep state secrets secret. But I have to usually be in physical pain before self preservation instincts kick in. Like when my body was shutting down from dehydration in Mumbai, I actually started requesting the doctors kill me. It turns out all I needed was some Saline solution and anti-biotics from a nearby abortion clinic, but still the point is that I'm not immune from the basic human desire for safety. Similarly and not as extremely, when riding through hailstorms and rain in Austria, I would turn to fantasies about having a roof over head and hot showers. Selfish fantasies I know, but I wasn't at that point concerned about anybodies welfare but mine.

But seriously, if I got informed tomorrow that I was broke, had been fired and was being evicted, I would care not much and possibly feel as much relief from the responsibility of having to turn up to work and maintain a residence as I would sense of loss. I would be pretty okay with that. Provided, it didn't effect anybody else.

The only shit in life that feels truly too terrible to avoid is when I am in some way responsible for somebody else's suffering. And by that I don't mean I don't wear Nike shoes because indonesians in sweat shops suffer making them. No more like I got me AND MY HOUSEMATES, evicted. Or I got me, AND MY COLLEAGUES, all fired. Or I lost all my money, and my friends. These risks I will avoid like the plague.

So long as I am the only potential loser in a situation, I can be as confident as needed and often way overconfident. Throw others into the mix, I just want to throw up. Thus my lifestyle may seem self-serving or self-indulgent, it is in fact simply the one that places the most risk on me directly.

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