Emo

I got some feedback from bryce reciently about what was thought of my blog. Aparantly it reveals a dark and emotional side to my nature, apparantly also people at SYN where also reading it. Explaining the short term spike in hits it recieved.
Anyway he felt it revealed deep and unsettling emotional problems that I have, that I am unjustly angry at the world. Furthermore that it is a non participatory blog, it receives very few comments and that this is unusual amongst blogs.
The first comment I won't deny at all, I'm unjustly angry at the world. Bryce is fair to say this as he has watched me cruise through life with a majestic lack of effort. Life owes me nothing in short, but as a cynical arsehole that doesn't mean I'm not going to turn around and judge it harshly. Which I do tend to pick at the negatives and yet am a guy that is this close to laughing myself to sleep at night. Indeed if you knew me you could probably describe me as 'aggressively upbeat' or maybe just 'aggressive' at any rate Emo is often not the word.
If the curious person harked back to the original post you could see I never really deviated from the intention of the blog.
But I did notice my postings taking on a circular nature which is worrying namely

1. land reform
2. anti-nationalism
3. how shit the music scene is
4. I wish I was black

And even though I was afraid of being swamped by feedback the feedback I often got and only verbally from friends who were embarassed for me was that I never write in a style they can comment on, and if they did it would be:

"great stuff tohm :p"

or

"why don't you write something funny, this is boring and long"

what with correct spelling and grammer and shit. So fair enough probably not good to post inane comments although positive feedback can give someone a real boost.
Anyway I didn't mean for it to be non participatory, if anything the opposite was true. Plus people seem to generally hold that I'm an emotionally damaged fuck or so goes my theory the proof being people treat me no different now they can read my angry emotional thoughts than they did before.
I must admit sometimes reading Harvard's infrequent petty bitter posts
can live me wondering if Harvard needs an intervention or not which I'm sure he would at least prepare one of his delicious meals for, my primary motivation and no real concern for someone who used to wallow around IH wanting hot girls to take pity on him in a move as classic as the 2B pencil.
But alas a story maybe to explain I don't recall whether I told it before but: One of my uncles was gay and contracted Hep B or one of them back in the 80's so rather than face up to it drove down to St Kilda beach and ran a hose from his exhaust to his car and breathed in the monoxide fumes and died peacefully at the beach enjoying the sunset by his own hands. Maybe a little screwed up since I was 6 at the time when it happened.
Furthermore shortly afterwards my Aunt on same side of the family smoked a little too much marijuana and woke up one day to find monsters patrolling the corridors of her work place causing her to hole up in the copy room while her perplexed co workers didn't know what to do. Instead of expanding her perspective or even being cool she instead signed up for a life on the outskirts of society as a sufferer of schizophrenia.
Again I would guess my age when this all went down as at about 10-12. I have to guess because I wasn't told the particulars until I was 19. At that point my reaction was 'so what' to Janice who was crying beside me in the car. In hindsight perhaps I should have been driving for safeties sake. However the only real thing I objected to in the whole debacle was why his had been kept from me when it would have been simpler and easier to tell my weed smoking friends I had a schizophrenic aunt, and not to participate in discussions about relatives who had died from cancer.
Sure they make good neighbours scripts and probably could be held up as drama.
But really an important revelation I feel, an epiphany if you will is that most families despite all careful outward appearances have some messy emotional shit. Life's pretty hard for something as large as a family to cruise through without some snags along the way that when dealt with in the societally endorsed wrong way tend to escalate into some nasty skeletons in the closet that haunt people's waking thoughts and cause anxiety and stress instead of faint pangs every now and then that indicate for the most part you have moved on.
See between my mother and I lies what I must begrudgingly admit is most likely Whitlam reforms, Janice kept these 'family tragedies' as she puts it (which prompted me to imagine something far more sinister like incest or keeping a deformed freak in the attick) secret from me to protect me, as Janice feels that these things are something to be ashamed of and hidden.
Yet I have always found people these days are pretty forgiving. Furthermore the church has lost it's influence on trying to hold up an untenable '7th Heaven' family model that probably led to people dealing with all these issues in the wrong way.
I had some real Emo posts infact about being afraid of being alone and shit, that once voiced seemed to me to be pretty insignificant and all around embarrassing but probably all together common.
Now if say the internet was really a priest chat forum for the Catholic Church and I was the one member of the lay atheist community posing my inner thoughts on a blog, yes it probably would be a dumb idea.
Yet people must identify with some of the Emo shit I say here, because generally (and you see devoutly religious people do this a lot) if something doesn't in any way agree with something a person already believes, their perceptual cage rejects it. You won't let it in.
What people often like about other people are actually most often qualities they see in themselves.
Anyway... now I will go cry about how cruel the world is. But also keep in mind you've always been welcome to comment. I just tend to mostly not have time to reply.

Plus when I write a comment on my own blog it sends me an email notification which pisses me off because I just fucking posted it. I don't need a fucking email. Fucking google.