Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I'm fucked. I'm completely fucking fucked. I'm totally fucked. I am, absolutely, fucked.

I've always claimed to never get stressed, yet I find myself now having to calm myself. But what are the symptoms if I am stressed?

I get hit with an intense wave of fatigue, I just want to give up and accept the negative consequences of my inaction feeling certain they cannot possibly be as bad as doing the work.

I look for distraction, 'productive procrastination' something to watch or read or anything that will allow me to avoid sitting down and doing the work I need to do.

Eventually I will sit up, take stock, maybe take some of the fallout on the chin, the consequences will not be so bad, I will gain a sense of purpose, of forward momentum and then just stop.

When I took my dog for a walk this morning the song my ipod was on was 'Falling to Pieces' by the time I rode home from work last night I evidently had lost all consciousness of what I was listening to.

Yet the song is entirely appropriate, my life is falling to pieces, I want it to fall to pieces, I want to get this last chunk of assignment done and out of the way.

But it is a crushing, brutal obstacle. For a subject of dubious value and a task that reflects a career path I have no desire to pursue (researching financial models) I have to reference and write and justify my point of view. These are just some of my most hated things.

And it's onerous, and complicated, and I just don't care. That's the worst part, my only motivation is to pass this subject. Every other subject I learned something from, found interesting, pleasant. This one was vague, demoralising and confusing.

It is eating my soul.

This is the melodrama I am sitting in right now, like a shallow bath that has turned cold.

Experience tells me I will sit up, pull myself together, remind myself I'm smarter than the average bear, put pen to paper get my momentum up and at the exact moment my confidence is restored I will take a break until I am stressed again.

But fuck it. I don't care. It has helped me realise what I actually care about in life, and studying the behaviour of other investors in order to try and make a profit off them is something I just don't give a flying fuck about.

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