The Wedge

Breath easy I'm not going to talk about Channel 7/10's(?) short lived cultural cringe fest. I'm referring to the 'wedge' issues that were designed I believe by Reagans campaign managers to split the democratic base apart.

This wedge though is about relationships, the wedge that in my limited experience breaks up most long term relationships and was probably covered in my surprisingly well recieved 'girls guide to break-ups'

But nevertheless I was reminded recently of it with another dying flower of love and even when I'm removed from the experience it still kind of ticks me off.

Thus the number one breaker-upperer of relationships is:

Making a decision that effects the two of you, by yourself.

I word it to you directly because well, if its your dance partner you have no control, which my counsellor told me oh so long ago (control) is the reason I was so devestated by the breakup, moreso than the facts of that breakup itself.

Usually it's career related. But it can be other things as well. I was reminded of how I managed to wrangle myself out of a relationship in high-school where I was scared to dump my girlfriend based on the threats of physical violence. (You call me a pussy, but this girl had genuinely pushed somebody down a staircase). I made the decision that I wouldn't be able to see her for the two months my host sister Madoka stayed with us.

After 3 weeks of no contact she rang up and dumped me. I was so relieved I had the presence of mind to make witty quips before she hung up the phone.

That story has a happy ending I guess. She felt in control, I didn't get my arse beat.

Generally speaking though, the wedge takes the form of one partner accepting a job offer in Timbuktu, or quitting their job to go travelling etc. Or deciding to become a pastry chef.

It has the following recognisable symptoms.

1. You are informed that the decision has been made, rather than being involved in the decision.

2. It creates physical distance, either by displacing you time wise (can no longer eat together, sleep in on a sunday etc.) or geographically 'I know we'll make this long distance thing work, I just know it.'

3. The informee (of the decision) is left with their own decision to either suck it up/or dump their arse. The decision to suck it up seems easiest, just ride out the storm, but usually results in passive aggressive behaviours leading up to outright hostility.

4. The informant resents the passive aggressive treatment.

Then bing-bang-boom it's all over and its bitter.

What pisses me off about the wedge is that it's so easy to avoid with just some basic consideration. If faced with a decision that is going to drastically alter your routine in some way, share as much information up front with your partner before you make your decision.

If you are worried they will be bias your decision, don't worry, you will look for such bias as a result.

The important thing is that you are treating them with courtesy and respect.

I think any partner that is worthwhile, if they do love you would honestly rather be cut loose than drag you down.

But don't delude yourself, just because you think you can have it all, it's always going to take two to tango.

Fuck, it's just basic change management, you don't spring changes on people, in business or love. People are risk-averse and conservative unless they are sold on the change early they are just going to drag you down.

True love I think isn't glamorous and doesn't involve sparkles, I think it's just the open and honest invitation for your partner to come with you.

But telling them that you're going and they have 10 minutes to jump on board is not the kind of invite I'm talking about.