The Ambiguity of Confidence

Lately my bike has been riding so smoothely that I feel I am due for a massive stack or crash. Recently I've had unwavering luck in avoiding being doored or having my foot slip a peddle and get pinned between the road and the cranks for a 40m stack downhill (this has happened to me in the past).

Most impressive was when my foot slipped the peddle just around the corner from my home and I managed to reflexively jump off the other peddle and skid to a stop on both foot leaning back, bike betwixt my legs. It's a pity nobody was around to see it.

But you see, there is one thing I've learned about myself over the years, I am not at my best when I am confident. I am at my best when my confidence is undermined and I will actively second guess myself.
I guess this might describe what is called 'overconfidence' and it is my most consistent downfall.

The very moment I feel I can do no wrong, no matter what field or activity, that is precisely the moment I fuck up. Even in something as simple as conversation, or riding a bike. Every time I have stacked I am always surprised at the irony that my thoughts at the very moment of stacking were how smooth everything was going and perhaps I don't need my bike serviced at all.

Similarly when I was banned from speaking at school assemblies in year 11, it was the direct result of my feeling I made such great speeches they could be devoid of all content, I believe I ended up impersonating a dinosaur. It was only pointed out to me afterwards that whilst I had been entertaining myself, everyone else had had 15 minutes sitting on cold floorboards in a gym somewhere.

I've never taken an audience for granted since, nor made any speeches that were longer than 10 minutes.

You see, here's the brilliant thing. One of the most unsettling things that happens to me now is getting confident. Whenever I feel confident I grow suspicious and afraid and try to back peddle. This immunity to confidence over time is building, so I still overstep the line all the time. But not by margins as big as before.

It's handy, not many people would look forward to a future full of self doubt, but I do. Because well, let's face it - I'm a douchebag.