Hanging Back

When my brother was diagnosed with aspergers well nothing much changed, it was just an explanation for why he could seem like such a compulsively selfish cunt, but also why he seemed helpless to avoid being bullied and all that shit.
I don't know what it was like for him, but when he got the prognosis he spent a while insisting Dad and I had it as well. I think he may have something on dad, though dad's case is clearly not as severe as Sam's. I even entertained the notion that if I walked into that specialists office I'd come out a certified asperger's syndrome haverer-of...

My mother AKA Janice said she thought not though, she said even as a young child I always showed empathy, when the family went cycling apparantly even at 4-5 I was always concerned about Janice and Anna falling behind whilst Dad just charged on ahead. Presumably Janice was falling behind because my parents were trying to keep their little ducklings between them in single file.

This trait has stayed with me to some extent. If I have any aspergers-esque habits they are probably the result of my brother being my role model growing up (or just plain laziness). But Claire expressed (minor) disbelief that I'd always rather be dumped than dump somebody. I'd always rather be the one staying back to hold the fort than the one going on the amazing adventure.

Not that I don't enjoy the sense of control in a relationship, or amazing adventures. I just can't stop myself from thinking about those left behind. Zaman seemed to understand this when I went travelling and gave me a cloth for my glasses made by his wife so that I would think of him every time I cleaned my glasses. Which I did (but probably not as often as a regular joe would).

Leaving Zaman was hard, it was really upsetting. He didn't have his family with him at that time and I was leaving him all alone. There is nothing more painful than me.

If I was a kitchenhand in the navy, I'd go down with the ship just to keep the captain company. If I was a fundamentalist Christian, I'd sin just so I wouldn't be leaving behind anybody in the rapture. If I was being invaded by persians, I'd volunteer to help out at the hot gates with King Leonidas. If I was in the Bolivian Army I would have taken coffee to Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, then run out with them.

I can't stand the thought of leaving anyone behind, except for myself. I'm a tough biscuit, a survivor and I'll always volunteer to be that guy. But I know I just can't walk away, without being plagued by the loneliness of others.

Life, cruel that it is, forces this on me time and time again. I wish there was some way I could be with everyone, which is probably why I like the underrated 'Pristina' so much. It speaks to my soul: