Feedback - Thus Far

In Marshall Goldsmith's corporate consulting world feedback should be annonymous and carried in 360 degrees from the subject. Being neither in corporate consulting nor in possession of the people to channel anonymous feedback through I have done the best I can. I asked 8 people I trust to be productive.

The results thus far haven't been surprising in and of themselves, but what is surprising is that even though I know better, my natural reaction is to argue and make up excuses. To insist people are just misinterpreting me, misunderstanding me or misunderestimating me.

Also there's a big difference between suspecting and knowing, largely in the fact that I went into a deep funk for about 12 hours which was only relieved by sleeping even though I truly am grateful to those who bothered to give me honest heartfealt feedback. I hope I treated their efforts with due respect and can implement them to make myself stronger, faster, harder and most importantly kinder.

I have said I'm not afraid of failure, I am afraid of not trying. And I'm definitely afraid of not trying to be a better person than I am.

Actually I'll start with one now - yes you are a pussy. You lack confidence with the opposite sex. Take the confidence that you exude when enlightening everyone on a new business narrative and use that energy productively in talking to a girl that you like. Don't bore her with your long winded intepretation of the world, you can get carried away sometimes - just get to the point! Maybe you are inadequately gifted but that shouldn't stop you approaching a lovely young thing because you are intelligent, capable of carrying an engaging conversation and alright looking. On a first impression note, as you are a rider, use of a good anti-perspirant and manly cologne is a must! One of the most memorable things about my first date with **a* was that he smelt great. Fresh as a can of Lynx Africa. But back to my point about conversation. You have a tendency to convolute the point that you were getting to with the use of too many words. Be succinct!

- the irony of how convoluted my request for feedback was not lost on me.

Well, let's see how to be more succinct. Sometimes it's just about taking an extra couple of seconds to think about what you are going to say before you open your mouth. Think about what is the best way I can articulate my thought without taking 30 seconds. Most of the time things can be said with few words. There is a guy at work that suffers with this and it can be tiresome to speak with him. Or sometimes the reason why you are not succinct is because while the other person has been speaking you have been thinking about what you want to say. Just listen and let your thoughts catch up once they are done. I saw this on Dr Phil and he brings it down to being selfish. One of those may work depending on what you think is the cause of verbal diahorrea.

At times with your use of your extensive vocabulary and way in which you can elongate what essentially could've been said in a short sentence you can come across as a know it all. You sometimes speak with a high level of self assurance or 'I know I'm right when I say this' tone that can make other around you feel as if they are being spoken down to. In other words come across as condescending even though it is just you expressing your opinion. Sometimes people don't like when others are too opinionated. **** and I don't really get this vibe from you but others at ***** have mentioned it in the past.

To me those are the things that come to mind. But realistically I am kind of blind to it as well. I've only been able to bring this to my own attention because of your request. I like you as who you are: well educated, foul mouthed, opinionated, quirky, funny, honest, confusing and caring. Now I'm going to throw some self help cliches at you and the first one is don't just change because someone tells you to or has attacked you for being who you are. Those characteristics are probably the reason why your 'true' friends like you. Yes, we all need to improve parts of our behaviours, e.g. me being too blunt or abrasive with people. I know that I will never completely rid myself of that behaviour because that's just who I am and at times people need to know the truth, I just need to approach each person differently and articulate it in a way that won't offend even though I know I occassionally will.

Over our time together Trav and I have made many minor changes to our behaviours in certain areas but I would never wish for him to lose any of his natural qualities or behavioural flaws. If I wanted a clone of myself I would've found some good looking idiot who did everything I told him to. As long as in your quest to improve yourself you just make minor adjustments that you see fit then that's fine. But I don't want to see you become someone you are not. Things that others say may just be a mere reflection on themselves and their insecurities because we find it easier deflect similar inadequecies on others than to admit to them ourselves.

Lastly, sometimes it is ok to be selfish and not make improvements in certain areas. If the behaviour that you have been noted on is one that you don't necessarily agree on then leave it alone. The only exception is if it is a common opinion. We can be too busy thinking that we need to make others around us happy but we need to take time out and think about what makes us happy.

- This is truly excellent feedback, and unsurprisingly it comes from one of my 'definitely hire' people.

So after going through the tohm email folder to refresh my memory, I have come up with the following. Most of this is from our email communications but a lot of it spills over into the 'real' world....

Super long emails...... Ok I admit it. The only reason I never replied to the email you sent me not long after we caught up in Oz (the one that I found heart wrenching coz you were laying yourself bare about feeling like a loser, etc) was because there was just WAY TOO MUCH to absorb and dignify with a response. I found it really hard to make the time because I was put off by knowing how long it would take me. Yes, I have to take some responsibility for not making the time, but in general, I find your emails too long. Is that too harsh? Would you be just as happy for me to write a quick reply letting you know I'd read your email and was acknowledging your state of mind? I think I've just answered my own question.... Forgive me for being a bad friend.

Related to the above, when you communicate via email, they are often rambling.... Which I know is your style, but the problem is that most of the time, they are so rambling and lacking in punctuation that I have to read and re-read up to 5 times to actually understand what you're trying to say. Problem of course with that is that I'm (mostly) a pretty busy person, and so instead of your email taking me just a few minutes to read over, absorb, and respond, I find myself a) feeling daunted by the fact that I'm just about to read a massive email, b) spend 5 times longer trying to decipher what you mean than I need to, and c) deal with subject matter that ranges from a to z, with no clear connection between any of those things. So by the time I've finished reading your email I'm already exhausted and don't have the energy to reply, and put it off, knowing it'll take me forever to go back over all the parts of your email to provide a decent response to all of those issues.

Offering advice when it's not asked for. I've definitely told you this before, but you keep throwing it at me. On occassions, I've found it really useful and positive. But a lot of the time I just find it frustrating. When I want advice, it means I'm ready to receive it, which means I'll ask for it.

I tried to find examples of communication that left me stewing..... I couldn't. But there definitely have been. When I try and recall the themes of what triggers that broiling stew, I'd have to say it usually relates to that undertone (actually, often it's an overtone) of condescention and sarcasm you weave through your communication style. I think it's the moment you weave it into personal stuff that makes me boil. Sometimes it's about *****, sometimes it's about my family.... It's when you poke fun of those things it kind of jarrs. I don't take offence, because I know you always say/write these things in jest. But it's an involuntary reaction I have whenever you make little comments like "*****-loving freak", or that my family gets "excited by making daily goals and shit". I remember sending you an email once about having a panic attack and you made some joke about me saying 'thank god ***** was there", when it should've been "thank Allah ***** was there". Little things like that. I guess maybe I'm sensitive, but it just irritates me. And so I guess because of that, I often find that your emails are draining, rather than energising. Where 90% of your email could have been really great and interesting, there's that one sentence in there that just brings the whole thing down. I guess the problem is that this is part of your signature style.... There are things that tohm and only tohm can say and get away with - and you do. But it still leaves me sour sometimes. And means I don't feel comfortable talking to you about my family or *****.

- really great feedback, and I removed the 4 balancing positive feedback notes, because well I don't have to work on those.

The reason why I hang out with you tohm is because I enjoy ur company and input in my life, or else I would have told u to fuck off a long time ago. I guess I could say things like " I wish you were vegetarian" or " I wish you drank coffee" but then that would be like my friends who wish I drank wine so we could drink together, which pisses me off. Probably the only thing that I can point out is when you (pleasantly surprisingly) turn up unannounced, which I like, but it only means I can't do that one thing that I wanted to do one my only day off for the week, like going to the gym. Knowing it in advance just allows me to plans things around and make it all fit according to both our timetables. I guess its also about me being disorganised, and planning the whole day around myself too, I don't know.

- I'm trying to fix this one already, and sympathise but was surprised that this is the only way I piss this person off.

I'm really greatful for those that bothered to email me feedback, I'm really greatful to those who bothered to read my request. I'm still holding out for a few more before I decide which issue to address first.

I'm fortunate in my call center work giving me a bunch of people to practice my interpersonal skills on an almost daily basis.

But I posted it up here, so that if you meet me face to face you know I'm supposed to be working on this stuff. So feel free to say 'just shut the fuck up and listen for a minute tohm' or 'man stand back tohm you stink.' or 'if you'r going to be vindictive and sarcastic I'll shove this pinecone up your arse.' etc.

More to come. (yay more!).