I Want to be the kind of player that can go dancing in KFC

Over the past week I'm feeling strangely attractive even though logic should tell me the opposite is the case. I'm heavier in body fat than ever, am growing a goatee because I want to have a metal goatee for once in my life, I live in a garage, and I'm wearing shabby clothes and pretty unemployable.

But nevertheless I feel top of my game. It's a feeling, I'm feeling it and one should not question it. For one, I'm finally doing shit that I've always wanted to do and my life feels meaningful. Should anything come of it I have to remember to tell the kids it was not a rags to riches story but riches to rags. If I hadn't passed up a secure income with excellent savings ratios and highly disposable income I never would have been able to afford the time to do all this.

This puts in context a scenario however that is stark for me. On Saturday I caught up with my dear sweet Bryce, who true to form questioned me about my sex life and when I told him it had been over a year since I had copulated (I get plenty of sex by myself) he told me 'it was unnatural'.

Truth is I just don't think about it. I had to think about this for a while before I understood the true nature of my problem, and for me it has been over a year since I fell in love with anybody.

I have learnt over the years that you don't tell someone you are dating that you love them for a ways afterwards. Because its creepy, but I think the average person needs to calm down over these issues. Surely you should be able to identify a person who just plain loves you and is a bit upfront about it, from a person who says they love you and combs your hair while you sleep at night and licks the hairs out of your leg razor. One will look creepy, the other looks normal.

But there it is, I have met only one interesting girl in over a year and she was too young for me to really contemplate any advances.

My experience tells me that going out with someone I don't really like often ends up with me missing opportunities with people I do, and I'm the kind of pussy that has real difficulty extracting myself from relationships.

People also point out that you don't have to have relationships, just have sex with people for a spot of fun and move on. The problem I have with that though is that the most attractive quality to me is someone who is interesting.

At my brothers birthday drinks last year my brother (who has aspergers) actually had my number in a big way. I was talking to a female friend of his and asked her 'what you hope for sam in the coming year' and she said 'I don't really know him, I'm a friend of a friend.' and I said 'I hope he becomes an amputee so he can compete in the paraolympics.' and she turned away.

My brother told me later that she had said to him that I was weird, and my brother had insensitively advised her that 'he just says that to people he doesn't find interesting enough to talk to.' I never thought of it like that, but that really is what I do.

So for me, I'm just not going to pretend to like someone I don't like enough sufficiently to not pursue a relationship. Casual sex is an enormous waste of my time and energy in my book. It's called being an introvert, I focus on other people not myself and thus it is important that I like them, not that they like me. (well both are important but that's the preference, extraverts tend to be more self centered in the formal sense and thus like other people a lot more for the validating effect).

So all this said, it comes down to business for me. Just as in a company if you had a position to fill, a bad manager/organisation insists on putting somebody in the seat (an inherant flaw in democracy) whereas a good organisation/manager sucks up the inconvenience and in the event of no suitable candidates simply leaves nobody there. This means when the right person comes a long they don't have to sack/shift/pay a mediocre employee to step aside or worse yet, turn down that special someone.

Clinical though it may sound, that's my exact approach to dating aswell. There are times where I've been touch and go on someone I could date, and have taken a gamble. There are other times where I have been certain of it.

An excellent example was Misaki, I didn't want a Japanese girlfriend, and Misaki was unquestionably Japanese. But I fell in love when she attempted to do a cat walk turn and botched it by smiling a smile that I predictably fell in love with.

And that was that, and despite the vast gulf of differences between us such as her insistence on almost never using logic, and my insistence on almost always, as I told a friend I would not even hesitate to marry her.

Instead I am committed to 3 months of no communication, not because we had a messy breakup or any poor post relationship relationship, but simply because its a dead end. I know who I want, I can't have her and so I shall get the fuck on with my life.

And in doing so hopefully I will either meet someone interesting, or more remotely have some opportunity to date Misaki again, who no doubt will be someone very different from the person I loved as will I making the possibility even more remote.



I recently watched the conclusion to Curb Your Enthusiasm, and hands down it is the best ending to any tv series, ever. I feel when I do get married unlike my grandfather I won't slap my new bride in the face and tell her 'I'm the boss' but I will sit her down and say 'I expect this from you:'



I also saw this 'bumper sticker' on a facebook profile that sums it up too:

'I want a boyfriend who, when I come to him crying says 'who's ass am I kicking'' which to me is a horrible sentiment unless you reverse the gender roles.