that's not my problem motherfucker

the above is a quote from "shatterday" by Harlen elson. It refers to a guy who discovers his been cloned and then preceeds to immediately try and fuck himself over.
and that's a little how I feel leaving my life behind. I'm not coming from the background of bussing tables saving up having no friends and going overseas to drink and party. for me I have just let go of my job, my apartment, my friends (so to speak damn facebook they'll find me anywhere), my family, my dog and a fair portion of my clothes.
so the question that's been annoying me most is the "are you excited?" one because up until leaving I wasn't everything I had to do was all cost, all losses. not pleasent. so I couldn't honestly say I was.
I think I told Rod aswell that I view this whole trip as preparation. I'm honestly if anything more excited about the prospect of getting back having done this travel than what I'm doing over there. I mean I picked my destinations somewhat as I picked my uni subjects with the same haphazard method of picking stuff that seems convenient and fits my overall educational objectives whilst none of them perfectly combining all the things I want to learn.
For me work play and everything is the same browny green mix of playdough. It's probably a good thing I left my work as despite all my efforts to not work overtime it had started to become the largest part of my life, it could also be a symptom of the handover training though. I don't think I ever took anything else at work that seriously.
Christina better not be copping out yet. Its prudent I think of her now as I was lecturing her in my last honda days about the importance of attitude. On the plane I was amazed at how quickly my fear of not being in control overcame me again. just paranoia like, what if my friends in Japan don't like me anymore, what if the hotels booked out I should have made a boooking. I was admittedly dissapointed with my reaction and did my first zazen session in Hong Kong airport (they have promotional posters for "clean coal" there with beuatiful montain vistas and ceo's in sports jackets but you couldn't see 2 k in the airport for the smog there. a dangerous precedent for beijing) to calm myself down. I thought I'd gotten better at accepting and improvising than that and to be honest I probably have since I recognise it now. knowledge of how you work is empowering but it doesn't necessarily bring about control.
Saying bye to Zamin was the hardest and the sweetest. I think he puts it all in perspective really. I mean the time I have to look forward to not seeing anyone I know if multiplied by 12 is how long he's been seperated from his family. and If I feel out of control (an illusion) then when he was in Jordan and Nauru and Melbourne for the first time I can't really conceive of how tough its been.
But now with startling clarity I am now looking at the lesson I have "planned" for myself and I see avenues for getting stronger and better. I mean its 8 months of more or less solitude. Its not even culture shock as such because I probably will never have time to adapt to my surroundings and build a new life before moving on. As a traditionally sedentry person this should be good (stressful) for me to build on. It also means I've got to initiate relationships with people if I want to be anything more than a mute observer. Japan shouldn't pose to much of a threat but theseother countries where I don't speak the language may prove problematic.
and of course sticking to a budget and so forth. I hope its not all just a reaction to my surroundings type learning though and I get to do some structured personal development.
anyway for autumn here I sure am stewing in ball soup. I'll describe osaka and hopefully have some pictures posted on facebook soon.
fuck you all you people with homes and beds to go to. you wish you were here.