First off I gotta say what a wonderful thing blogs are. We'll they is and they ain't I can see how they are kind of pretty gay too. But being a graduate of International House, one thing that sort of kicks you in the balls a bit is the proportion of your friends that end up either going to their own country to live and work or becoming glamourous expats.
So I appreciate blog's as a way to stay in touch, even better in touch with someone when they are local but don't have a blog or msn profile or anything. So I got harvard and morley's blogs linked up and they both yesterday (3rd Movember) posted some real insights into their psyches.
First up yes I looked at the picture Morley posted and I'm not sorry about that. I think there's a line that passes through all 4 dimensions the approaching/crossing of which is what defines funny and not funny. That line can only be sensed intuitively and mother's lose the ability to sense where that line is the moment they have their first born.
Morley's a real slash and burn guy, of the two takes on a breakup I actually find morley's less disturbing than harvards. (yes you'll have to click on those links and read them I can't link specific posts on morley's website but it's the Movember 3rd one) I mean morley had a shitty job he shat on when he quit once and I found that real funny and other's didn't.
Now, the context of my last dumping happened after I had watched the spectaculalry drawn out post dumping trauma of my brother in which he dated a girl for a year or so and then grieved, bitched, flipped out and wallowed for around a year and a half. Which is fucking crazy, he said the tipping point for him was when he actually realised he had spent more time feeling miserable about his crazy bitch ex than he ever had felt good about her.
But I knew there was only limited window of sympathy you get in situations like that and even though the emotions are powerful fucking chemical imbalances in your brain, I mean you can seriously watch and scoff at some sad guy doing all these loser things and then the moment you are in the same situation you do the exact same loser things and more over you are conscious of doing loser things but you do them out of addictive compulsion anyway.
I mean it's fucking powerful stuff, I hated it, I wouldn't recommend it to anybody. What I would recommend to absolutely anybody, no matter how far down the track or how embarassed you are is councilling, if you are still a student it is free. If you're now employed it's better than free your company will pay for an actual 'on-the-money' psychologist. If you are going the student option remember they have more than one available so if you find your first one to be a total fucking moron, switch.
That's my community service announcement but in all seriousness I couldn't deal with my dumping. I didn't want to be me, I didn't want my ex to have evolved into who she was (which is to say my ex and not my girlfriend) and I didn't want to be here, in melbourne at home.
But you know I gotta honestly say from what I have observed and experienced in the long run I would still rather be dumped than dump someone, and moreover I would never want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
But yeah reading Harvard's post I almost want to scream 'Get the fuck over it, straight up Bob was not your best friend, Bob was some whiney sicophant, weasley christian fundamentalist, pencil dicked, jazzy mother fucker who ruined our battle of the bands entry with his selection of incredibly uncool music, you had and have much better friends than Bob all this time' but you know at the same time I appreciate that when you love someone and they leave you for a cocktard like Bob it's a real fucking dick twisting world of pain. I gotta say muchos respect to Morley in such an early phase of the breakup period is at least meeting Liz's destruction of their relationship with a 'make the pebbles bounce' nuclear attack to clearing of what is left.
I gotta say their are three reactions typical listed from worst to best:
1. wallowing in your own self pity - I was really afraid of this, I even had head-fucked issues with feeling sad, I didn't want to be, I wanted to work and be happy and get the fuck on with my life so I had to be really conscious of going into denial. But the general rule here is you can only play this while sympathy is publicly on your side, people are happy to give you conscssions and listen to you for 2-3 months, your best friends will put up with it for 6 months by 6 months though you are going in circles and not making progress, get a councillour who has seen it 100-1000 times before to just give you the answers and a progressive plan before your friends abandon you too.
2. Getting angry and hilarious - This deals with the issue by destroying whats left, it may be divisive though, I never took the option until way late in the piece when I got tired of being walked over and unappreciated for how cool my reaction had been, like you know fucking Clint Eastwood cool. It depends on how many of your friends are shared, how well liked your ex is. In morley's case he's probably pretty safe, however you always gotta consider your rep for your next partner.
3. Focusing on how great you are/being the better man - public sympathy is a wonderful thing, furthermore just trying to get on with your life, learn, evolve etc also robs your ex of any potential justification they may try to grab at for an excuse for making the right decision. It takes a lot of fucking energy, a lot of help and support though and you may just can't be fucked doing it. I was really a combo of 1 & 3. But you know I (think I) bought Damo and Liam dinner and thanked them for putting up with my shit and stuff.
I'm not saying I'm fucking great and other people who do it differently are losers or anything, I'm a marketer and I think in terms of sheer fucking personal profit. I'll be honest and say some times I envy Morley's huge balls for so publicly and generously doing what he does and certainly I often felt (past tense) as melodramatic as harvard does, infact I totally relate to the Matrix analogy.
And so though I must say I do have a gripe for the ladies, because a big thing for me was that when I got dumped, a month later Harvard did, and my mates Chris, Brenton, Omar, Damo (who really needs a blog motherfucker he never writes never calls and apparantly is living with me again next month) etc that it seemed to me to just be this lifecycle stage and I have a couple of devicive theories on why this may occur.
First up, guys are arseholes, I have limited life experience or booksmarts on why married men have affairs and destroy their families and shit but at this stage it seems to me from observances a girl is far more likely to cheat on their boyfriend in a long term relationship. It's like a Honda product really, if there isn't a random manufacturing flaw in the product in the first two weeks it will probably last you 15 years running perfectly. Similarly if your boyfriend isn't cheating on you in the first month of the relaitionship odds are he wont start for a long time. But growing up I never wanted to be an arsehole, thats why when I was in a relationship and at a bar/party talking to a nice girl I clicked with red flags flew up in my head 'this is how cheaters start' and literally ran away, which doesn't mean I'm right about that being how cheaters start maybe they start by grabbing the girls breasts or arse and skip the whole convo thing. The point is I ws always suspicious that deep down I was a filandering arsehole and was always on guard about doin that. Now let me first say most of the girls I know 'have their shit together' as my father would say, they've had some good relationships and some bad relationships they've learnt and grown as individuals and they are in a good one now, But as I was saying to Miyuki a ways back a lot of romantically minded girls don't have any deep seeded suspicion of themselves because the media, girly mags and everything reinforce the 'men are arseholes' thing that make heroes out of sex and the city cast for acting like irresponsible men anyway a lot of girls I've come across have expectations of 'true-love' eg. the relationship should be impervious to all outside influences and maintaining a deep attraction does not require effort.
Which is wrong on every level, first off that's an impossible standard to put on any relationship because it's going to get hard at some point whether it be in 2 months (okay probably worth breaking up at that point) or three years (needs serious contemplation) or 15 years with children (at least attempt to reconcile) it's not fucking magical yet if a girl in a relationship is at a bar/party talking to an attractive man here's what I suspect they think 'Oh my god, this guys amazing, but how can I feel like this when I'm supposed to be in Love with Brad, why the only conclusion is that I don't love Brad' instead of 'this is how cheating begins' and so from my experience although addoringly innocent in it's naivete this is how nice girls with lots of self respect end up becoming cheating mcslurry's. Which I will now directly contradict with gripe number twix...
Girls have far less capacity to be romantic than boys do. Simply because the same media that makes me feel like 'men suck' before I've done anything wrong also reinforces another sexist agenda. Billy Connelly likened it to buying a house 'Men buy a house they would like to live in. Women don't see that house, they fucking walk through saying knock out that wall and put stairs in here and loft this and paint that' I wasn't dumped last time on this logic but have been before but again Billy Connely applies the same logic 'Men when they marry a woman are like "I love YOU, don't change, don't ever change, just stay the same" but the woman isn't marrying you she's marrying some fucker who you're going to be in ten years time and don't fucking try and fight it it's going to happen' you see as a male, the thought has never ever crossed my mind of incorporating my partner into my financial plans or lifestyle goals suffice to say I have a loving partner who is a big part of my life. I would never ever give a fuck what my wife/lover/owner actually did or how much they earn. But I've come across and experienced first hand a lot of girls who pragmatically dump their partner because they failed to fit the picture they painted for themselves, as a guy you can actually fail to change can you bewieve it? directly contradicting the expectations that true love is a permanent and indestructable feeling like giddiness.
So whilst you are expected to hit all the buttons emotionally this still depends on some market price you've got on my head. The one time I contemplated darwinian homicide was in marketing where a girl said she wouldn't accept a non diamond engagement ring because 'I enviosion myself being succesful and having a rich husband' now it doesn't have to be rich, it may be any number of things you may not achieve, not getting a six pack, not wanting to move to the country, not being able to concieve, not getting published. On a timeframe that is meant to sink in with your partners life cycle.
From a guys perspective and possibly only my perspective it's not fair, I'm actually far more willing to compromise because quite sexistly I would never depend on my partners income, job etc to achieve my dreams. This is why I expect you see the plethora of dumped losers saying 'I can change' it often comes as a cold hard shock that the person you 'loved' had to change.
Two things on that a) cut someone some slack and don't try to live vicariously through your partner, just endeavour to support eachothers dreams and operate as a team and b) so you are excited about your new boyfriend, don't make the first point of business going out and getting a new look, straightening and dying your beautiful mediterranian curls (true story) into some shitehouse Dolly recommends look because the dude is probably attracted to you.
My final psycho analysis on Morley and Harvard that is as unwelcome like the Salt N Pepa song says 'None of yo business' Morley will be fine but any chance of reconciliation may be ten years off, start thinking about the next girl's rationalisation of what dating you says about them though. Harvard by being cool and malaysian is like a gay guy in ballarat, that gay dude can keep hoping for a 'gay scene' to pop up in ballarat but he's much better off jumping ship and moving to brunswick for some Gilpin park action. Namely Harvy, stop bemoaning your lost girl and start hitting the bars and parties where some down to earth girls are because if you are ever going to be pragmatically dumped it'll be by the malay princesses you mix with now.
janice didn't want me to say cuntfuck on tv.
hats to protect them from the sun
Jesus Christ Monkeyballs
Oprah calls it 'True Liberation'