Flexibility

Hey I made it, managed to crank out 10 posts in some kind of fortnight. The last value on the list of ten is flexibility, an odd one to finish on but I think it highlights some wisdom in choosing friends and partners.

Flexibility is extremely practical character trait to be drawn towards. I had a teacher in high-school that said 'organised is the only way to be.' I disagreed with him then and I disagree with him now.

Flexibility is one's capacity for coping with uncertainty. So it is different from tolerance, the ability to appreciate difference. It is basically how well somebody reacts to you being late, or calling them late at night for a lift. Their ability to find time to see you, or their reaction to a change of plans.

Some organisation is okay, perhaps even desirable. Somebody entirely spontaneous is highly undesirable as Chris Rock said in Never Scared: 'Relationships are boring, the only time relationships are exciting is when you are in a bad one. Bad relationships are unpredictable - you just don't know what he's gonna do next, throw a bottle at your head, sell your engagement ring...' okay Chris Rock never said any of that but I feel I captured the gist.

I never let inflexible people get close enough to me to have any meaningful relationship, but these are the people whom in an attempt to impose order on the chaotic world that surrounds them encroach on your quality of life.

These are people that label stuff in the fridge in a share house, count the change in their dashboard console, plan daily itinaries before embarking on an overseas holiday. They build rigid systems to govern their lives and give them an (ultimately) false sense of security.

Attempts to throw out these systems are tantamount to attacking their person, they get offended and angry. By contrast, flexible people are the ones who can go with the flow, they split the bill in the way that is easiest rather than fairest and save themselves time and conflict.

They give you free reign of their fridge and pantry, you feel inclined to drop in on them. Their houses feel lived in, you feel relaxed and comfortable in their presence. The difference between the flexible and the inflexible is the difference between sitting in a hammock and sitting in an ergonomic chair.

In Japan people can be described as 'Yasashi' which is literally 'easy' but in context means gentle. The use of easy is a reference to this easygoing nature of the flexible.

Do I need to say anymore? Not on flexibility, but I should probably give these 10 attractive qualities a wrap. Starting at the end, flexibility is probably not one of the great virtues that will ever have conceptual statues dedicated to it out the front of temples of the human spirit - but it's just one of those qualities that is desirable because traits in our peers and partners tend to become more annoying with time rather than less.

It may be that we can overlook people's imperfections for a time, have coping mechanisms, but in the long run when you are building something as nourishing and useful as a support network do you want to seek support, nourishment and love from people you have coping mechanisms for?

I am optimistic enough to believe people are capable of making changes, and great changes. In 'Social Intelligence' by Daniel Goleman, the chapter 'Genes are not destiny' finds that science has shown that we are indeed capable of changing ourselves.

This is different though from entertaining rescue fantasies, deciding we love somebody with some crucial piece missing from making them somebody we can live with. Our love does not have transformative powers. We can only change ourselves.

And that is where it begins, with ourselves. I am not a paragon of any of the virtues of the 10 qualities: kindness, optimism, courage, loyalty, tolerance, honesty, humour, intelligence, beauty and flexibility. Most are learned behaviours. But I try, I try, and in trying for the past 6 years or so those paths have become easier and more reflexive to follow.

I foster these qualities because they make life easier, they create their own energy and I hope to be worthy of recieving these qualities from somebody else.

Our love can't magically transform people into these things though, and certainly the easiest and luckiest thing is to find or attract someone who already possesses them.

Otherwise there are no guaruntees, and infact even though people are capable of change, few bother to choosing instead to blame the world. All you can hope to do is provide contrast, to deny such pessimistic views of the world by living in a way that exposes that as a lie. We can influence yes, inspire yes, but not magic peoples problems away. That has to be done by them.

So be kind, be optimistic, show courage, tolerate differences, be honest and true to a fault, be loyal, approach things intelligently, don't lose it when plans go awry and for fuck's sake laugh.