Impostor Syndrome

The impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. It is not an officially recognized psychological disorder, but has been the subject of numerous books and articles by psychologists and educators. The term was coined by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978.[1]
Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.
The impostor syndrome, in which competent people find it impossible to believe in their own competence, can be viewed as complementary to the Dunning–Kruger effect, in which incompetent people find it impossible to believe in their own incompetence

That was the most liberating thing I got out of this blog post.

I certainly suffer from this. I was talking to ah... Benjamin Beaumont yesterday about how some friend was my 'straight man' in the comedic sense and he remarked that I was his 'straight man' in the sexuality sense, but I think it's true in the comedy sense as well. Benjamin's run hasn't started on conversating (it's two months away) but in all of the runs I find myself to be the straight man. I say what is boring and predictable - to me at least.

In all honesty, I don't think this is imposter syndrome per se, I think I genuinely aren't as funny as Sarah, Benjamin and Bryce. But humour illustrates particularly well the foundations of imposter syndrome.

Humour is largely based on surprise, it is a pleasurable surprise our brain finds amusing. But when you are the author of a comment you have priveledged 'insider' information. Whatever you say or write or whatever seems quite predictable. When I think about that, and I believe it I don't really know how I can ever commit to trying to be funny - I guess over the years I have developed strong suspicions as to what I suspect other people will find funny. Curiously I also know when I've said something really obvious and not funny.

With my drawing though, I definetly have impostor syndrome. I feel like a complete fraud, again because of the priveledged information. I feel like I'm copying, stealing and impersonating other artists, even after the hours and hours of study I've put in and the leaps and bounds my style has created.

I can for example draw pretty cool pictures now with no reference material in front of me. But this still feels like stealing to me, I've internalised the reference. I can understand that if somebody was watching me draw, (a lay person, that is or non-drawer) they would think I have some skills. I probably do, but I find it hard to believe. The reason being I know exactly what the competence consists of.

I guess it's because no ability is magical. Other-worldy. When you are good at something it feels ordinary, the precise opposite of special. Straight forward and logical and consistent. It feels natural, whereas those 'real' artists you believe to be actually competent execute in a way that seems supernatural to you.

So is it any wonder I feel like a fraud. That I am not yet a 'real' artist? I guess I just have to believe in myself, and as I have said before believe other people that think I am competent.