Phase #3

I'm entering a new Phase of my life. I've held for a while that at 16 people are probably as mature as they are ever going to be, and I've since heard research that in terms of how people deal with their emotions and other people is set much earlier.

I have met 40 year olds with less 'maturity' than some 16 year olds I know. I don't think one 'matures' as you get older you just make more mistakes.

Phase #1 of my life then went from 16-23, in terms of raw working material my IQ, EQ, SQ, height, genetic predispositions, personality, behavioural preferences haven't changed.

This phase though was characterised by a defensive insecurity, putting people done, pushing others away and retreating into myself. I bridged the gap with girlfriends whom I depended on for esteem.

Phase one ended 5 years ago, Phase #2 began with councilling.

Phase #2 was the revelation that I had no actual self-esteem. It was like being woken from a life I'd sleepwalked through, I was 'successfully failing' that is doing everything I was supposed to do so peeps would leave me alone. Because I was in a grieving process I was not supposed to make in bold sweeping changes. And phase 2 has been a gradual building of self esteem over 5 years.

Phase 2 has been good, I became a more supportive person, I started with tutoring Zaman and volunteering at RMIT REW running social basketball. I made a bunch of friends and suff and I spend a good deal of time being single. The majority in fact. I worked through my issues and tried to become independant. Putting more trust in peeps.

If in phase one I thought things like 'I'm an introvert, so people should get used to it.' in phase two I thought 'I'm an introvert, I have to make an effort when socialising.' that is I started adjusting my behaviours. I have heaps upon heaps of bad habits still, but this was what characterised phase 2 - adapting and adjusting my behaviour. Thus at core nothing changed, I was still me, I didn't get any stronger, wiser or purple coloured. I just started giving more of myself to others and what not.

As recently as two months ago I articulated my fundamental motivation, that is if one were to 'figure tohm out' the answer was simple 'I don't give a shit about me, I only care about other people.' It occured to me in the past fortnight, that something was wrong with this. I saw a councillor that wasn't great but was also free. After a long 'chat' which was basically me trying to catch up to what had happened with my personal development from phase one through phase two she gave me one string of feedback.

One blinding flash of the obvious.

She said 'You are very critical of yourself' right now I am really upset I backed away from a flaming car that had nobody in it. Because I didn't know there was nobody in it, and I didn't reach in and burn myself to check.

Also there were like more than 6 people standing around taking pictures of it with their phones. Why didn't anybody help me? Even when I fell over my own bicycle. Why didn't anybody else call triple 0?

Phase 3 is this. Phase 1 tohm supported nobody not even himself. Phase 2 tohm supported everybody but not himself. Phase 3 tohm has to learn to support everybody and myself.

I don't believe in myself and I have to start. I think Miki and I worked out because we mirrored eachother. Motivated by others before ourselves. That worked out while the 'others' were her and me. I cared about her, she cared about me, neither cared about ourselves. Then her family needed her and she left, and I let her leave because I accepted that I wasn't important.

It worked out how it worked out, I just raise it as an example of my refusal to stand up for myself. I don't need to be selfish or narcissistic, I just need to not let people walk over me, exploit me etc. At some point I'm going to have to ask for money for my work.

Phase 3 has begun, and I have the seeds to progress. I don't believe in many of my abilities. But I do believe in my ability to learn.