Emasculation

5 things I hate about mens fashion right now:

1. The ironic moustache. Moustache's shouldn't be ironic. I mean what the fuck is ironic about it? That you want to attract women, yet ironically a moustache is unattractive to women? Just grow a proper moustache, an RAF moustache they are dashing or a 70's Pro-sports Moustache they are fucking man's moustache.

2. The 'femdora' I couldn't help but notice on 'Australian Master Chef' last night an alarming amount of contestants wearing hats, indoors presumably at night. So too at the de la soul concert I could not believe the number of guys in these hats at night, indoors at a fucking concert where people aren't looking at you but trying to look over you. I call it the femdora because it seemed the only people rocking these hats 2-3 years ago were female: Alicia Keys, one of the pussy cat dolls and 13 year old girls from the outer suburbs. It isn't say a proper fucking cowboy hat (also feminised) a bowler hat, a baseball hat even the masculine yet touted by metrosexual trucker hat. It is a girls hat now sported by pretentious coffee drinking jazz enthusiasts that are too young to actually get enthusiastic about jazz. They used to wear the beret, but it seems the femdora hasn't crossed into the same strata of pretentious unacceptability as the beret yet. I also suspect most wearers of the femdora are trying to conceal receding hairlines and thinning crown patches. Just go the clippers.

3. Stove pipe jeans, anthropology told me that women were naturally attuned to liking muscular men, because in the cave days that meant you had a strong alpha male protector whom would also pass on the genes he had successfully used to survive thus far onto a girls own progeny meaning her half of the genetic contribution had greater chances of survival. But with stove pipes I'm not entirely sure whether it is the jeans or the physique that seems feminised, but I am sure I hate the jeans. And fuck it I'm tired of silently tolerating it. Do these guys shave their leg hair to prevent the friction removal service from wearing lycra like denim? or do they just slip on a pair of stockings underneath. And why the fuck do skaters wear them? I know, because they are cool, but why the fuck are they cool? Hey baby check out my underdeveloped leg muscles and sickly chicken like posture? Big pants allowed skaters a degree of freedom for pulling off ollies, grinds and whatever else. Sure if they were really big the crotch would restrict your stride length, but I noticed my skater friend hadn't followed the trend and was still wearing big pants for utilitarian reasons. But to me a guy in baggy jeans just unequivocally looks both manlier and cooler than a douchebag in stovepipes. It's Davey Jones from 'the Monkees' look. Even the beatles stopped wearing stove pipes, presumably because they were tired of being a pack of pussies.

4. Hair Sculpting, Russell Brand has little to no talent. Tim Minchin is just another annoying 'musical comedian' benefiting from the fact that whilst a pure standup has to be really clever, insightful and witty to make the audience laugh, a song has to just have a silly chorus to be deemed 'hilarious' and 'brilliant' the funniest musical comedian I have seen is Dimitri Martin, because he played a guitar/xylophone/keyboard whilst doing a normal standup routine. Anyway, the third member of the triumvirate of Farrah Fawcett/Nashville hair sculpting is that guy from the Mighty Boosh. Bane of my existence all three of these comedians are shite, yet all three almost perpetually get recommended to me as 'something I like' but it seems these comedians also have incredible sex appeal, because I am seeing guys in increasing numbers sculpting their hair up into a big nashville ball. They could be housewives in Tennessee. I love Dolly Parton too but I don't want to dress up like her. Admittedly this one can't catch on as fast as other fashion trends because you have to grow your hair out first, a risky proposition because by the time a year has passed and you have the length, Russell Brand may be out of fashion as well.

5. fixed gears, of which there's an entire blog pretty much dedicated to how pretentious they are. bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com I don't need to say anything else except that it goes some way to explaining 3. I imagine jeans trends spread faster than the mode of transport they were adopted for.