Everything I Learned Aboot Love

Ha ha today I did something regretable, quite deliberately so let's start there.

1. It is better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do.

Except of course rape, and I don't know of anyone ever that regretted 'not raping someone' except for maybe some serial rapist who regretted not getting more victims in before going to prison. Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, this hopefully is self explanetary, if you love someone you will beat yourself up far more for never having the balls to ask them out, get back together, ask them to marry you, ask them to move in with you, ask them to act out that sexual fantasy of yours with princess leah and jabba the hut. Any rejection to any of those questions may seem regrettable, but at least you fucking know, at least you fucking know and is overcome much more quickly than a lifetime of wondering.

2. The best thing in the world is when you realise you love someone you hate.

There have been plenty of girls I've been thrown together with (not romantically) that I've actually just out and out hated, and some nutbags have interpreted this as playing hard to get. Well that's not what I mean, this lesson is literally the first lesson I learned and what I feel brought me into the emotionally mature zone that allows me to cope with relationships. Any real hurt a person can cause you emotionally is because you actually love them, not hate them, you need to fucking realise this and man up. This is what allows me to maintain friendships with almost all my ex girlfriends, whereas if I was emotionally immature I would go around hating them for any hurt they caused me.

3. The bitterest thing in the world is when you realise you hate someone you love.

Pretty much vice versa. I've only had two relationships where I realised too late that I wasn't really committed to them and the worst thing I've ever had to do was break up. (infact I don't even then, I spent two elaborate months once engineering circumstances that would get me dumped because I was scared of one girlfriend). Still it's horrible to requit any feelings when they aren't there.

4. If you are looking for love you have to start with fun.

My relationship with Claire started on these lines, I decided that I mays as well 'give it a go' and we had regrettably one of the vaguest and shakiest starts to a relationship ever. But wilst I was really looking for a deep sense of connection that I'd lost when my prior relationship went out the window, I eventually got that. But if you are a serial monogomist, you have to stop looking for someone who is perfect and just try dating someone fun. All my relationships have started from liking a girl enough to say 'what the hell' and none from girls I've admired from afar over periods of 12 months or more certain they are the one for me. (although in reference to 1, I also regret not asking out any of these girls).

5. Sometimes loving someone means making the decision they would never make about you, for you.

Like leaving them the fuck alone once they dump you. If your ex is any good, sure they will feel for you, and beat themselves up over any anguish they cause and want to comfort you (whilst simultaneously thinking what a pussy you are and never wanting to get back with you) but few girls have the stones or inclination to cut you off. They will patiently read your 4-part emo text messages and grant your numerous requests to 'get stuff' from their apartment but they won't cut you off. If you love them, you gotta cut the cord yourself, for them because they won't rub salt in your wound. It's not just breakups exclusively though. In this globalised environment it might mean that if you love someone you have to bite the bullet and move countries to stay with them even though they wouldn't ask you to do this. (vice versa, if you really love someone you might want to reevaluate your own need to work in a UN funded school on the dark side of the moon teaching monkeys calculus, and just take a job at Starbucks).

6. To free yourself you have to be willing to walk onto the point of a sword.

I am human and therefore get jealous. To differing degrees. Even though reason tells me shit must be so, it doesn't stop the feelings, and emotional hurt is registered by the exact same part of the brain that registers physical pain. To me you have to accept loved ones loved ones. And enquiring about someone you loves boyfriend/girlfriend (i don't have any lesbian ex's but that would be awesome) can feel like driving your head onto the point of a really sharp sword. It actually hurts, but only at first. I find often (though not always) former lovers can adopt a security blanket of leaving their new relationships as unmentionables. But if you accept the pain of acknowledging that you have been not just rejected but replaced (in an emotional role, rather than as a person, for who could ever replace you) hurts at first. Now though I for example look forward to laughing at Claire dressed up as a drag queen in her traditional Indonesian Wedding garb. We are friends again.

7. Love isn't a higher degree of like, and you need both.

Damo actually pointed this one out, as Damo has recently emerged as a provider of condescending romantic advice to compete with me in condescending to Liam. (I used to thoroughly enjoy condescending on matters romantic to Damo) but his recent advice was 'I recommend getting a girlfriend you actually like' which to many seems too obvious to be worth anything. But if I was honest and evaluated my relationships, I wouldn't say that the best ones were necessarily the longest lasting or based on how much a particular girlfriend put out or what. They've almost all been great experiences but how much I like a relationship is how much I actually like the girl. An example being one 'summer of love' relationship with a girl I shall codename 'Classic Girl' that is sadly one of the few I've lost touch with. But even though we only dated for 6 weeks, when she suggested our first date be at the craptastic 'pancake parlour' I knew then I would really like this girl. And I did, and it ended almost before it started for Geographical reasons but she remains the only girl younger than me that I have ever been blown away by. 6 weeks and I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for her. I wouldn't say I loved her, it didn't last long enough, but she is perhaps one of two girls I've dated that I'd rather be spending time with her to the exclusion of all other friends and activities.

8. Competition is a good basis for keeping it fresh...

Routine kills, to say I have never been married is not to say I haven't experienced married life. The feeling you have just about heard every fucking thing that person is ever going to say. Chris Rock really can detail the shititude of married life. But competition allows a long standing couple to be really petty, get really excited and find a way to put energy into something that would be otherwise blaze. Claire and I probably pushed the competition too far, with gift giving it was always a competition, with winner and loser. I won all the time. My proudest moment was one valentines day where I used the underhanded tactic of saying 'let's just not bother getting eachother anything, we've been going out two years, why bother? it's just a crappy commercial holiday.' which Claire the moron, believed. But I bought her flowers anyway and won that contest with a knockout. Sure looking back now financially I was probably the loser, but don't underestimate how much moochin I can do in three years.

9. Surprise is King though.

Sean Connery taught me this in 'Finding Forrester' the key to a relationship is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. The best time to go all out romantic is not on a birthday, valentines day, graduation, christmass or anniversary. It's fucking tuesday. Some tuesday that isn't special at all. Sure your partner may get suspicious that you are covering up the guilt of cheating on you. But if your partner thinks like this, ditch the insecure bitch. Emotions are amplified by surprise.

10. Surprises are never good.

Which seems contrary, but your surprises shouldn't be over the top. If you are going to surprise someone with a romantic gesture, make sure you tell them in the morning 'I'm going to surprise you with a romantic gesture tonight' or some such. Otherwise you may be guilty of the 'Claire Surprise' as I dubbed it, which almost never work out. Like coming to pick me up from work on the day I got off early and simply walked home. Or cooking me dinner when I'd already eaten. And if I can get on a soapbox here, I think it was highly unfair that I got blamed for the surprises failure. How can that by definition be my fault, since I had to be unaware for the Claire Surprise to work. This also applies to cheating, if you are interested in someone else more than your current partner, dump them. It's the same as if you hate your job, just quit. Don't wait until you feel secure that you have a new partner/job before you cut ties with the old one. And don't lecture me about financial realities. The worst thing about overlap and even rebound relationships is not that they hurt somebody, but from your perspective they fuck up all the excitement you should have to devote to the new relationship. You probably fuck up two relationships not just one.

11. Love is an insecure state.

I do believe in marriage, in theory. I think as an institution it is highly malpracticed. You never have an excuse for taking things easy, letting yourself go or feeling in control. What makes waking up to someone each day so special is the knowledge that if they wanted to they could walk out on you in 30 seconds, but they choose to stay here. I can think of nothing sadder than having a partner that staid with me because the law required it, or that it was the most financially viable option available to them. Personally there's no money you could pay me to get me to devote so much time to someone I don't love, or even like. (perhaps that's why I earn so little money now).

12. Self Esteem has no opening balance.

Self Esteem is not some inborn quality that gets deducted through demerit points as you age. Some people naturally acumulate it through good parenting and positive reinforcement, many just never have any. One classic CEO profile is the 'high confidence, low self esteem' individual, that seems so visibly successful but alas thinks nothing of themselves. The more self esteem you have though, the better the lover you are. I believe the best thing for a relationship is being single for a while. Learning to be secure just by yourself, taking on the role of being the one to tell you you are special, that you are proud of you and so fourth. This is what I had to do post Claire, pre Misaki. Because I found once Claire left me I had almost zero self esteem. And Joe my counsellor advised me that now was the opportunity to find out who I was. And by the time I met Misaki some 8 months later (which prior to that stretch I had only been single for an aggregate 3 weeks in 5 years, yet had had 5 girlfriends) my head was clear, I was self assured and it Miki being the other girl I preferred to be with above and beyond all other friends and activities was easily my best performance as a boyfriend. There was no baggage going in (admittedly there was baggage when I came out, both literally and metaphorically).

13. It never ends.

Lucky thirteen to end. Relationships end, body language changes, you see people less, things move around etc. But I have learned to accept that I simply never stop loving anyone I have loved. A lot of my ex's find this hard to accept (I think Claire is the only one) and in truth, I kind of feel like I either always have loved someone or I never do. I have learnt not to tell girls I love them as soon as I feel it, and usually wait 2-3 months into the relationship before crossing that bridge. But Since my first heartbreak (see 2) I have come to accept that I don't stop loving someone. Many girls find this threatening, like I'll turn into a stalker, or I'll impinge upon their new relationships etc. But to me, if I ever loved someone at all, that love just never goes away even though the context and circumstances may become more removed with the passage of time. I also still love several people I never even asked out (see 1) it's just a fact I've come to accept. Trying to pretend I hate someone or don't love them or don't feel anything after a break up to me just seems to be a colossal waste of time. Loving someone never prevented me from loving someone else, or loving someone new. It's more a question of focus.
It's one of those perplexing moral dilemma's if you were married to someone you loved dearly, more than anyone else in the world and someone you'd loved in the distant past came to you asking the kind of favor you should really only ask of someone who loved you dearly (like borrowing $20) what do you do? or more accurately what do I do? and having pondered this at least 5 times, I think the smart option is to ask the leave of your current loved one to do it or not. Unfettered though by responsibility to someone I love, I wouldn't even hesitate to help out anyone I've ever loved. I wouldn't hesitate to help out anyone period (though may exercise some skepticism as to whether I was helping or whether the help was needed).