Mike Patton & Me*

Selma: 'I was thinking maybe you and I could party on friday?'
Tom: 'Gee that sounds great...don't get me wrong Selma, you're a great girl with lots to offer...'
Selma: 'You're breaking up with me?'
Tom: 'No, no you've got it all wrong, I like you Selma it's just on friday I got an offer...I made plans'
Selma: 'You seeing somebody else?! I'm going to cut you.'
Tom: 'Yes, I mean no, I mean I'm spending my friday with...'
Selma: 'She's dead! then you, I'm coming for you.'
Tom: 'Mike Patton'
Selma: 'Oh I understand'
Mike Patton is the undisputed top of my men I would have sex with just to say I had list. When I think about that list it's longer than my list for female celebrities (1. Salma Hayek 2. Aretha Franklin 3. Kathy Bates) but there is something in common with both lists all of them are multi dimensional, they have a talent, beliefs, thinking that makes their company tolerable.
Mike Patton, is hot, masculine, exotic and irrefutably the single greatest vocalist of all time.
He's in a monogomous relationship, full of style (wears hairnets) and elusive as a lioness.
He is versatile like Musashi, but alive like Jesus and Musashi aren't. I am often asked by a manager if 'I'm sure I'm not gay?' I'm sure I'm not as Jimmy Pop puts it 'I'm not too keen on the smell of vasalene, I'm not princess di I don't wanna be a queen'I'm pretty sure I'm not. Although homosexuality is becoming increasingly attractive in the face of the bevvy of dumb bitches I get to choose from.
I get embarassed like sympathy embarassed when a manager calls me across to oogle some pictures of 'babes' from a car show or worse having them say 'ohh gee she's hot' about a girl who walks past who's actually just blonde with breasts, never mind the fact her face which is bigger than my whole head looks like it's been hit with a semi-trailer.
I don't want to sound like Jason Alexander's character from shallow hal, hotness is afterall an attitude not a dress size. What concerns me is men finding girls hot out of form, just like denying outright they find mike patton or johnny depp attractive.
It's a sad state of affairs (maybe) when you'd rather have a jam session with Mike Patton in a garage than between the sheets with the 'best' women the media has to offer.
Mike Patton's ever crossed over into modelling (apart from press shots) though I know plenty of models (not personally) who are branching out into careers in pop. It's fucking garbage the most controversial lyrics 'how dare you use me to make you rich' your still modelling bitch.
I've had a manager try and set me up with the recently discarded 'footy chick' at work. Not backing down until I moved desk and explained to him in private that I would rather have shards of glass shoved into my face.
I don't know but I think about Eric Clapton (also on my list) being 60 and out their playing guitar. Viagra is desperate but you've got Eric Clapton 'I've probably had sex with about a thousand women' and I think what's the point surely you wouldn't be coming across any new dynamic vaginas out there after the 800th. And I doubt Erc Clapton's gear really works that well any more, I certainly doubt he'd still be rubbing cocaine into the tip as a handy anaesthetic.
So there must be more to life, love and relationships. It's archaic to not have to respect the work your partner does. Admittedly I never concieve of being financially dependant on my life partner but neither should she. But as far as models go they rank number 2 in professions I don't want to talk to at a dinner party behind only doctors.
Yet just as gillette has empowered girls to be angry with me if I'm not clean shaven for them, cosmo, girlfriend and vogue have spawned a generation of dumb bitches with fake tans, enamal fingernails, bleached hair and as for the attire at least it is colourful.
Am I responsible? am I copping out of a world I helped create? women as objects? possibly, possibly it's just another cost of the majority being average. So you're hot now what? where's the feminity that is captivating like Mike Patton is captivating. What do you do? What do you believe in? Oh you drive a holden sedan to work, then you work out at the gym, then you go shopping on weekends? you can fucking forget spending time together.
Even my barnstorming ex, one of the most fascinating women I've ever met Claire went through some 'ugly' phases. In the leadup to a friends wedding I found 'footy chick' kits around her house, laquered frenched nails, brochures for spray on tans. I couldn't concieve it matching my pale angel just as I'm sure she could never envisage me in country road and boat shoes.
Even after we broke up I found her hardest to bare when she got heavy into the gym, looking hot and paint on dresses. Contrary to the jealousy I should have felt it felt more like 'maybe everything worked out for the best' thankfully she had a cathartic and pulled herself out. (in the same period I developed man boobs)
But maybe then I got this confidence from the mike patton in me. The self same attraction. Sure there's no striking resemblance, but you know with it I find a shadow of a pubic moustach sexy. Greasy hair? you bet. decking out in polyester suits and two tone shoes - settle down. Exploring vulgarity in beauty in a single breath...what could be more attractive, like a multi faceted rock that shines and turns plain in your hand as you turn it. That's what I want in a woman - at the same time it causes me to gravitate towards men.

*& dumb bitches