We have nothing to fear but fear itself

I’m afraid of being alone, not short term day to day basis but as in for as long as I can remember I’ve just wanted to lock down a marriage and remove the uncertainty of singledom forever. But by the same token doing it right as in not just marrying someone who want’s Australian citizen ship and shit. It’s an archaic concept too the institution of marriage is not the miserable guarantee it used to be and there are couples I see and say thank god for divorce. So really as a game plan it’s a pretty dumb one, but fear is never rational and I think one advantage I have as a human being is I for one no when not to trust my decision making processes. I know when I’m making decisions out of fear, lust, greed or just a desire for control and like to hold back on these occasions.
Yeah but you know I’m not really actively ploughing the fields I don’t hit the bar scene in desperation and stuff, I don’t look after my cuticles. I don’t really even eat right. I just know what I’d like is to get married and have someone to come home too and bitch about inane things all the time, and more of course like laugh it up, go out to eat, dancing, dancing and more dancing and good quality regular sex as well none of this once a week bullshit. You know and that easy comfortable love feeling where your so familiar nothing else matters in your presence you can drop all the pretenses like when I closed my door and highschool and rocked out to Rage Against the Machine all night, that sort of comfort except your not alone your in company and that’s real important to me.
Yet importantly the answer is never someone else, such theories have worked poorly for people in the past most notably (probably) Kurt & Courtney. I don’t want to sound Puerto Rican or anything but ‘You gotta look out for number one’ which is more self centred than necessary. You aren’t adding anything to a relationship if you don’t have your own sense of worth to take in. I was listening to ‘The Real Thing’ by Faith No More an album I enjoy because for some reason almost every song on the album reminds me of one of my ex girlfriends the first of which almost made me cry today. It probably says more about me than the girls but ‘From Out of Nowhere’ reminds me of a girl I dated in first year. The break up was particularly ugly by virtue of her coming down with depression and there was a clear cut deterioration of the relationship so I don’t think it was ultimately the wrong decision, I should have left when I got ultimatums over the length of my hair. But she came down with clinical depression neither of us knew at the time but I’ve felt like I got shafted because I couldn’t make her happy anymore. But of course nobody could have and since I learned about clinical depression and understand what a horrific affliction it can be I felt guilty because she told me about it and I didn’t respond because as the dumped individual I felt empowered by cutting her off. Which was horrible really it was 6 months after we’d gone separate ways what could I have felt threatened by except the very real fear that I would get hurt again. But that was a poor decision who I am now three years down the road would endeavour to help anyone even if they’d stabbed me in the balls so long as they ask, (and realising I’ve only got as much time as anyone else) but I’d try rather than look after myself because the long term damage to me of making that decision based on fear (and that her choices I can’t control ) still causes guilt today. Incedently I’m sure she’s fine but most people who have trouble moving on believe that there are contracts between people which brings me back to marriage. Loving someone doesn’t entitle you to anything, people shouldn’t sock you in the eye for overcooking steak and you shouldn’t stick in the relationship but it doesn’t mean you don’t love that person nor does it mean that because you love them they are obliged to treat you with respect and shit.
Chris Rock said ‘There’s no such thing as a soul mate, if your lucky you get a mate and that’s if your lucky!’ I’m afraid of being single all my life but there are fates much worse than being single too, read ‘The White Masai’ if you don’t think love or the soul mate concept can cause serious harm and that books a fucking romantic account. (make sure you don’t pay for it though like I did)
Incedently I am also terrified of sea monsters if you want to kill me specificly in the cruellest way possible drop me from a plane into the middle of the ocean. Now you know that about me.