Tired

It's hard for me to admit, but I am so fucking tired. I even booked in to see a GP, and I fucking hate doctors. I was watching the documentary citizen king about the life of Martin Luther King Jr. that man, what a fucking life. They made a point about how every moment of every day someone was calling him, asking him to do something, go here, say this, speak to these people. He died age 39 but the autopsy showed up the heart of a 60 year old. A powerful orator, one of his last speaches he dropped the remark 'I don't care about longevity' and within a week he was dead. But that speach even when he was so exhausted he's pretty much puffing as he speaks, still manages to be rousing and moving.
At the quakers, where I went because I fucking needed to go and unwind and relax, I was thrilled and I mean fucking thrilled when the guy right next to me stood up to share and he shared two things, one his thoughts on the life of Martin Luthor King and two a lengthy analogy of life and rivers, I fucking love rivers and have tried to make my life analogous to a river.
His story was that still water has depth. In teaching statistics you can say a 'river has 15cm as it's average depth can you drown?' the answer is of course, the average conceals the depth and where the water is shallowest, the rapid moving water that can be where 90% of our lives are spent. But water needs to be still to reflect and reflection requires depth.
I like it I took a lot out of it.
I like to entertain the fantasy that I don't stress but since Roberto said of my 20k stuff up 'well that's neither here nor there' and my job security came flooding back, something snapped in me and I realised how highly strung I'd been. I'm going to make an effort to unwind. I'm even thinking about spending my annual leave in a monastary in Japan in Zen meditation. A real cleanser. I've been running on overdrive for too long now. I'll see what the fucking doctor says.
Burnout doesn't hit you till it hits you.
And at the unrespectable hour of 8:50 I'm going to bed.
that's relaxation